


Let Me Tell You What I Wish I'd Known

by iwrotemyowndeliverance



Series: I made every mistake [2]
Category: Hamilton-Miranda
Genre: F/F, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Domestic Abuse, mild Dom/Sub
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-05-24 10:58:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 29,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6151414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwrotemyowndeliverance/pseuds/iwrotemyowndeliverance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>9 years after Lafayette and Hercules had gotten together, things seemed to be a struggle for Alex and John. </p><p>But they always make it. </p><p>Don't they?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so this fic takes place nine years after I Was Younger Than You Are Now. So that makes Vee, Philip, and Georges all about 16 and Frances is 15 (at least at the start) Philip and the others are juniors, Frances is a sophomore. Also for future reference, Angelica Schuyler is the boss that was mentioned a couple of times in the last fic. She has a daughter, Angie Jr., who is Frances' age.

"Alex, it's just a week. Please." John begged. 

"John, he refuses to acknowledge that we are married, and you want to take our kids there? He didn't even invite me! The letter said, to you and your children. Yours! I don't want our children going there!" 

"Please, I want them to have some extended family." 

"John, do you hear yourself? Do you not remember your childhood? You were miserable. You would go home for a week in college, and be inconsolable for months afterward with bouts of depression." 

"But, he is making an effort." John argued. "He wants to meet them. And he he called me." 

"Do you remember every single comment your dad made about 'the gays' and every bigoted thing he said?" 

"But I'm older, I can deal with it now." 

"And what about Philip?" Alex asked, "he told us he was gay two years ago, do you think he should spend a week listening to your father spew bullshit about that?" 

"I'll talk to him. If Henry tries to pull anything, I'll get Frances and Philip out of there so quickly." 

"Please respect that I don't think our children should go there." 

"Alex, please respect that I want my family to be a big part of our children's lives." 

"He didn't talk to you for eight years. That's not what family should do. He refuses to admit you're even gay! That we are even married, and anyone who says we aren't family, shouldn't be around our kids." 

"Alex please. I'm trying to reconnect with my family. If you had family, wouldn't you try? Even if they sucked?" John asked.

"Don't pull that card on me. And you can reconnect all you want, but until he makes a real effort, my answer will still be no. You can go down there. I'll go with you. And maybe if he acknowledges my existence, and invites me, I will reconsider." 

"Alex—" 

"John, this is just one of those things. A nonnegotiable thing." 

"Oh yes I see it now," John snapped, "because you are the ultimate deciding power of who our children are allowed to see." 

"John, if you go down there, and can honestly tell me he is a better person than he was when you lived with him, then you can take the kids, but if you come back having panic attacks and nightmares, my point stands strong." 

John frowned, "I'll talk to them. I'll see if I can go down there this may, so that I can take the kids in July." 

"I want him to recognize our marriage." 

"Alex you know how big of a step that is," John whined with a groan. 

"Millions of people recognize marriages like ours, and so many people recognize our marriage specifically, it isn't a big step. He doesn't have to even agree that we are married morally, just for him to admit that we aren't just best friend bachelors who are raising your kids." 

"Ok," John agreed, "when I go in May, I'll talk to him." 

"Ok." Alex nodded.

"And do you want to come?" John asked, "I'm sure I can get him to invite you." 

"No, unless you want me there, I'd rather not, seeing as I would cause more trouble. As long as our kids are fine, I'm okay." 

"I'd never let them hurt our kids." 

"I know honey. I know." Alex agreed. 

"Dad?" Philip called from downstairs, "pops?" 

"Up here Philip!" John called back. 

Philip swung open the door, looking furious.

"What's up son?" Alex asked grinning when he saw the look of sheer exasperation.

"You will not believe what Quincy did today!" 

"What did Quincy do?" John asked calmly. 

Philip walked over to the couch where John and Alex were sitting. 

"He was going around fucking—" 

"Language." John reminded him. Alex jut rolled his eyes. It was just one of those things John did. He didn't allow cussing. He got upset when Alex cussed in front of the kids, and annoyed when the kids did it. 

"He was going around spreading rumors about Vee and I!" 

"And?" Alex asked suppressing a grin. "What kind of rumors?" 

"Ones that we were secretly friends with benefits, and now all those kids think they're better than us because there is some stupid rumor going around. And Georges was upset, because he heard about it, and he has the crush on Vee, and now Vee was mad at Georges for not talking to us for two days, and it's all Quincy's fault." 

"Okay," John said sighing, "welcome to high school first of all, second, let the rumors go, you can deal with it, they will go away in time, and Vee and Georges will get over it too." 

"Or," Alex offered, "spread rumors about Quincy. I mean, his family has something weird going on. I mean with John running off from work all the time, and whatever happened with Charles..." 

"Alex," John smirked, "good examples for our son. Not spreading rumors. No revenge." 

"Oh I forgot." Alex said rolling his eyes, "of course, Philip, what you should do is turn the other cheek, and suffocate Quincy with all the kindness you can throw at him. Be the bigger person." 

"Thanks pops." Philip said sarcastically rolling his eyes. "What are you two up to?" 

"Talking about summer plans." 

"Guys," Philip whined, "it's March, if you plan that far ahead, summer won't ever come." 

"Actually," Alex countered. 

"I know pops, the mindset doesn't really change the amount of time that passes. And I shouldn't be worried about summer, just about doing well right now." 

"Actually." Alex repeated, "not what I was going to say, but nice touch. Your father will be going out of town in May to visit his family, and if it goes well, I'm July he will take you and Frances there to meet them as well." 

"And what about you?" He asked. 

"I'll be staying home. His family has some issues with me, as I them, and it would be best if I didn't go." 

John gently squeezed Alex's thigh giving him a loving smile. 

"Anyway," Philip said abruptly, sensing the tenseness of the conversation, "I was going to grab some dinner with Theo if you didn't have any plans." 

"That's fine." John agreed, "but remember, tomorrow night, we have the work party for Schuyler's company, and family is invited, so I expect you and Frances to be there." 

"Sure dad." He said walking back to the door, "see you later." 

Alex sighed leaning into John's side, "it's so cute how he does that whenever he has a problem." 

"Yeah it is." John agreed. 

"How much should we tell him before he goes to South Carolina?" Alex asked suddenly. 

"Enough." John said, "not too much that he is against them before he gets there, but enough to warn him, so the dynamic doesn't completely shock him. Same for Frances." 

"You know, since your so set on your family meeting ours, you could invite your sister over for a visit. You said she was liberal?" 

"I was using the term liberal relatively. She is liberal in comparison to my father, but to you or I, she is still very conservative." 

"She could still visit, as long as she treats everyone well." 

"I'll talk to her, I know she still isn't fond of you, since you're my husband, and she was never thrilled with that idea, but I'll talk to her." 

"God where did you come from?" Alex asked laughing.

"What do you mean?" He asked. 

"I mean, I've only met Martha a few times, and only met your father, what? Once?" He shook his head, "and they all are conservative, and there you are, my husband, for Christ's sake!" 

"You don't know how many years I spent wandering that same question." John said jokingly. 

Alex frowned, but became more serious, "I love you." 

"I love you too baby girl." John said kissing his forehead. 

"No, I love you so much John." Alex said.

"Not everything is a fight Alex." John said teasingly.

"I just-I love you." Alex finished.

"I know baby girl." John said stroking Alex's hair. "I love you too."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Get any numbers Frances?" Philip teased.
> 
> "Talk to any cute boys?" She quickly retorted. 
> 
> Philip immeadiately shut his mouth frowning.

The next day passed uneventfully until both men were trying to prepare for the dinner. "Can you go make sure Philip and Frances are actually getting ready?" John asked from the bathroom where he was brushing his teeth. 

"Sure love." Alex said, combing his hair and brushing past him. He walked in the hallway, and found Philip picking out a shirt in his closet, "Philip," Alex said teasingly, "you have to wear a jacket, not just a dress shirt." 

"It's too small pops." Philip responded from the door. 

"I probably have one that might fit." Alex suggested.

"Pops, I'm taller than you, look," he said slipping his old jacket on, and indeed the sleeves were closer to his elbows than to his wrists. "I don't think yours would fit." 

"You're right, go ask your father if he has an extra one," Alex sighed. 

He knocked on Frances' door, "sweetie are you getting ready?" 

"Yeah dad!" She called back.

"Ok, just remember, we have to leave in twenty minutes."

She opened the door. "I'm ready." 

He smiled, "you look rather lovely tonight, anyone you're trying to impress?" 

"No dad." She said pushing past him, "just dressed nicely."

"If you say." Alex said still smirking. 

"Don't you need a tie dad?" She asked changing the subject.

"Oh man." He said. "well I will do that, and make sure your father and brother are almost ready. Those two are never ready on time." 

"Maybe if Philip laid off on the hair product." 

"Or if they ever started getting ready on time." Alex added. "But yes, he should use less hair product." 

She grinned. "Tie dad." 

"Shit." He said turning, before looking back and grinning. "Don't tell your father I cursed in front of you. You know how he is." 

"Alex, I think she knows well enough not to tell me." John said from behind Alex, wrapping his arms around his waist. 

Alex leaned back kissing his jaw, "sorry sweetie." 

"Your tie," he said wrapping it around Alex's collar. He quickly tied a half-windsor, before stepping back, "Philip! Time to go!" 

"One second dad." He called back. 

Frances and Alex smirked and laughed, Alex called out, "come on son, your hair probably looks fine." 

A second later, Philip appeared in the door glaring at Alex, "oh you look just like your father when you make that face son." Alex teased. 

"I think you're mistaken. He's got your entire scowl going on Alex," John said grinning. 

"Alright." Philip exclaimed, "I'm ready, let's go." 

"Of course," Alex said grabbing the keys and heading towards the car, "wouldn't want to keep you waiting." 

Philip just groaned. 

They pulled up, and John started listing the rules, "ok kids, you need to behave," Alex was mimicking from the passenger seat, "Alex, I can see you, anyway, you will be at the kids table, so with Angelica's daughter-Frances you know her, she's in your grade-Georges will be there, and some other coworkers kids. No fighting, and just in general, normal social skills. Please." 

"Of course dad." Philip responded.

"Yep." Frances agreed. 

"Good." John said as they were about to walk in. 

Almost immediately, they were greeted by one of John's coworkers, Alex turned to the kids quickly, "have fun kids," he turned back to John and laughed at the joke he hadn't been present to hear. They walked off to the table, guided by Angelica Schuyler, arm in arm. 

"Let's go find this kids table," Philip sighed before walking to the main hall with Frances. He spotted a table where Georges sat next to a couple younger kids. He lit up when he saw them approaching the table.

"Philip!" He called out. 

"Hey Georges." Philip said plopping in the seat next to him. 

"The seats are assigned." Georges said pointing to the name tag with Frances' name on it. Philip grabbed it, and switched it for the one next to his with his name on it. 

"Problem solved." 

"You still want to sit next to me?" Georges asked dejectedly.

"Unless you switched those name tags because you didn't want to sit with me, then yes." 

"I do." Georges said surely, "um, I just, could we talk about this privately?" 

"Sure." Philip agreed, "Frances, Georges and I will be back in a bit." 

She nodded, already engrossed in a conversation with Angie Schuyler. They walked until they found an empty hallway. 

"What's up?" 

"Look, about what happened at school, I just, I thought it was true, and well, I was a little upset, but I'm sorry for not talking to you." 

"I know about your feelings for Vee, we don't have to dance around the subject." Philip said rolling his eyes. 

"I don't have feelings for Vee." Georges said annoyedly.

"Sure." 

"I don't." Georges repeated, "I had feelings for you. I thought it was pretty obvious." 

"You did?" Philip gasped, "as in past tense?" 

"No," he admitted, "present tense. That's why I thought you might not want to sit by me. I thought you knew." 

"I had no idea." Philip said.

"Then why were you avoiding me?" They demanded.

"Other than the fact that you had avoided me like the plague the two days prior, because I didn't want you moping about your feelings towards Vee, which I now realize..." He trailed off.

"Okay, so now what?" The asked.

"What do you mean?" 

"Well aren't you mad at me? Aren't you going to avoid me or something?" 

"Why would I do that?" He asked stepping closer.

"I don't know. They always do." 

"I never want to avoid you Georges." Philip said taking another step, "and, if it helps, your feelings aren't unrequited." 

"You mean?" 

"Yes." He assured. 

Then Georges was kissing him and pressing him against the wall. 

Georges grinned into Philip's mouth, "how long?" 

"What?" Philip asked breathlessly. 

"How long could we have been doing this?" Georges asked devilishly. 

"So long, you don't even know how long." Philip responded. 

Georges could feel Philip getting hard in his pants. He slotted a thigh between Philip's own, and Philip moaned into his mouth. 

"Ahem." Alex coughed out from behind. 

Georges jumped back leaving Philip against the wall. "Mr. Hamilton! Sorry, I should go." 

He ran off, leaving Philip standing there, with a little problem, "um, pops," 

"Come on Philip, let's get you back to the party." Alex sighed, "but I might warn you, the ones who run off at the sight of a parent, not a good sign." 

Philip groaned, "pops," 

"So are we keeping this on the down low? Like should I not tell your father?" 

"You mean, I'm not in trouble? You're going to not tell anyone or tease me?" 

"Well," Alex started, "I can't promise I won't tease you, but I do believe that what you do is private and can stay between you and Georges, and if you don't want your father knowing, I won't mention it to him. Just please be safe and use protection son." 

"Pops!" Philip exclaimed. 

"I didn't say I wouldn't tease you." Alex grinned, "but in all honesty, how long?" 

"Literally, that was our first kiss." 

"Oh, sorry I had to ruin that, but at least I got there while you were fully clothed." Alex grinned. 

"Pops! Please!" 

"Ok, serious time, if you want to talk, or if you have any questions," Philip rolled his eyes, "hey! I'm serious. You can ask me, or talk to me. Okay? You're not alone in this. I don't want you going through figuring things out without someone you know you can talk to. Okay?" 

"Of course. Thanks pops." 

"Now, go get back to your table, and find Georges, he looked pretty scared when he saw me." 

"Thanks pops." 

Philip watched Alex go over to John and easily join in with the conversation. He shook his head walking back to join Georges at the table who looked extremely nervous, "thanks for leaving me hanging dude." 

"Sorry, I just, I panicked, is everything okay?" Georges asked. 

"Yeah, surprisingly he just said that I could talk to him, but he wouldn't tell anyone if I didn't want him to." 

Georges sighed in relief, "and?" He asked, "are we, are we a thing?" 

"If you want us to be. If not, I understand." Philip said glancing at his shoes. 

"I want to be." Georges assured him. "And about our parents, should we tell?" 

"Considering my pops already knows, definitely. Unless you don't want Lafayette or Hercules to know." 

"What don't we want Hercules or I to know?" Lafayette asked standing behind the boys, their manicured nails tapping on their own arm. 

The boys looked between each other and nodded, Georges took a breath, "Philip and I are dating." 

"As of?" 

"As of what?" Georges asked. 

"How long?" They asked rolling their eyes, "how long have you two been how do you say, a thing?" 

"About five minutes papa." Georges responded.

"Splendid." They grinned, "do your fathers know?" They asked Philip. 

"Pops does. Dad doesn't." 

"Why is that?" 

"He found us kissing." Philip admitted sheepishly.

"No need to be so embarrassed Philip." They smirked, "you however," they turned back to Georges, "caught kissing Philip by Alex? It'll be ten minutes before you get the shovel talk!" 

"Papa!" He exclaimed.

"I'm just saying, those two will be so protective of Philip here, which is a good thing of course. Please tell me you handled the situation calmly when Alex found you two?" 

"Actually," Philip countered, "he did quite the opposite. He ran off the moment my pops showed up." 

"You'll never here the end of that one kid." Hercules said from behind Laf. 

"Ugh," he groaned, "does everyone have to hear that story?" 

Suddenly there was a clinking of glasses at the front of the room. "I should get back up there, see you boys later." They said before turning with Hercules to leave. 

"Wait," Philip said grabbing their arm. 

"Yes?" They raised an eyebrow.

"Don't mention it to my dad. He doesn't know. And I'd prefer to tell him, not have him find out from you two." 

"Of course Philip." They grinned before sauntering off. 

"God our parents are just, ugh." Philip said before sitting down for the speeches. 

"Alright," began the speaker in the front of the room, "thank you all for coming tonight, and thank you for another great year at the newspaper. And now we welcome Ms. Schuyler herself." 

The audience clapped, as Angelica Schuyler mounted the stage. "Hello, and thank you for the lovely introduction, it's an honor to be here tonight," 

Her speech carried on and on, and after it, it was just saying goodbyes before it was time to go. "Text me when you get home." Georges whispered in his ear as they hugged goodbye. 

"Will do." Philip agreed. "See you later." They pulled apart, "come on Frances, let's go." 

She quickly said goodbye to Angie, getting her number, "so, you and Angie?" He teased.

"Shut up!" She said, "don't act like I didn't see everything that happened with Georges this evening. When we get home, I expect a full report." 

"Dually noted." They spotted Alex and John and joined them in the round of goodbyes. 

Lafayette grinned knowingly at him on the way out, and Hercules smirked. 

Once they were in the car, Alex raised his eyebrows at Philip. He just turned away. "So, did you have a good time tonight?" John asked.

"Yeah dad." Philip said. "It was good." 

"That's good, and you Frances." 

"It was fine." 

"Get any numbers Frances?" Philip teased.

"Talk to any cute boys?" She quickly retorted. 

He immediately shut up, "what's this about Philip?" John asked looking through the rearview. 

"Georges and I are dating now." 

Alex smiled. 

"You knew." John accused teasingly when he saw Alex's expression. "How long?" 

"Just tonight. Pops only knew cause I told him, I didn't see you all evening." 

"Yes, it definitely wasn't because I found them making out in an empty room." 

"Philip!" John exclaimed. 

"Don't worry darling," Alex said, "they were both still fully dressed when I found them. Though five minutes later..." 

"That's enough pops." Philip growled. 

"Of course son." 

"Anything to add dad?" Philip asked, "if you do, now's the time to get it out." 

"Nope." John said, "nothing to add, although, I can't say I'm surprised." 

"Why is that?" Philip sighed. 

"You two have been crushing on each other since, what? Six?" 

"Yes," Alex added, "it was six when you announced your first crush on Georges." 

"Ok, I get your point." Philip said. "But I may point out that someone in this car got Angie Schuyler's number." 

"Really Frances?" Alex asked, "nice by the way." 

"That is not how normal dads respond when they found out that their kid got someone's phone number." 

"Ok, I got this." Alex corrected, "Frances, are you growing up on us?" He fake sniffled, "I always knew it would happen, but why so soon?" 

"Thanks dad." 

"The kids are growing up and leaving us John!" Alex continued. 

"Alex really. I think the kids have had enough." John said without a trace of the warm teasing that had filled his voice before. 

Alex looked at John's face for a moment, and apparently found what he was looking for, because he simply frowned and snapped his mouth shut.

The rest of the ride was in silence. Alex silently seethed in the front seat, John just drove home seemingly unaware of Alex's change in mood, and Frances and Philip sent each other concerned looks.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Alex, if something was wrong, you'd tell me about it. Right?" 
> 
> "Of course dear," Alex called back not looking up.

"Ok, so I'll be down for a visit from May 12-15. Ok." John paused checking the calendar. "Yeah, ok. See you then." He hung up. "Alex, I scheduled the visit."

"Okay sweetie." Alex called with a false sweetness from the living room. 

The party had been almost a week ago, and Alex had been very distant since then. John sighed going towards the living room where Alex was reading, "honey, if something is bothering you, you'd tell me right?" 

"Or course dear." Alex responded, not looking up. 

"Alex, what's wrong?" 

"I just told you that if anything was wrong, I would tell you. Didn't I?" 

"Alex, you've been like this all week." John paused, "is this about, about me visiting my father?" 

"No John." Alex scowled, "it's not about that. And honestly, if you really cared you would've noticed a week ago." 

"I did notice a week ago, I just can't think of what I did," 

"John, you basically told me to shut up in front of our kids, and you didn't apologize, or anything." 

"That's what you're upset about?" John asked disbelievingly, Alex raised a challenging eyebrow, "nothing, I just thought it was something a little bigger that you've been fuming over all week." 

"John you can't treat me like that, especially not in front of the kids. It's not your job to reprimand me. We are equals in this relationship, and they need to be able to see that in the way we treat each other." 

"You could've just told me. We have safe words." 

"So I'm just supposed to say 'red' in the middle of a car ride. In front of the kids. Do you know how humiliating that is John? To have to safe word in front of my kids?" 

"You did promise you would use them." 

"Yes and we agreed to have a loving, Equal, relationship." 

"But how am I supposed to know how to act when you don't safe word? Or even communicate your feelings to me? You just hide them away and expect me to figure them out." 

"I promised I would safe word if you made me feel uncomfortable in 'that' way. This was different. You're not in a position above me that you just get to keep going unless I safe word out of a scenario or beg you to stop. You're not in charge of me." 

"That's not what I'm saying. All I'm saying is that if you had safe worded, we wouldn't be having this problem. And you had been tormenting Philip all evening." 

"So this is my fault?" Alex asked incredulously. 

"I didn't say that." John defended, "I'm just saying that when you're constantly teasing them like that—" 

"Like what?" 

"Like you're a kid!" 

"Look John, I try to be approachable, and that is my personality, when we've been in this relationship, I've always been under the impression you appreciated my sense of humor. But if this is how you feel," 

"That's not what I'm saying, it's just sometimes, you don't act like a parent, and I'm sick of being the only responsible parent around here." 

"John, who took the kids to all the soccer games, and Philip's dance classes? Who has helped Philip and Frances with every time they have had homework problems they are unable to solve? Who do the kids come to when they need personal help? Me!" 

"Maybe because they don't want an actual parent's advice, they want advice from someone who is always on their side." 

"I can always support them," Alex said lowering their voice, "and still help by being the responsible adult." 

"Yes, you could," John snapped, "only You don't." 

"So encouraging Philip to tell you he was gay, when he was worried what you would say was a bad idea? You're his gay father for fuck's sake, and he was worried about having to come out to you!" 

"You never told me that." John said suddenly sounding sad.

"Yeah, the kids told me a lot of stuff over the years because they trusted me." 

"And they don't trust me?" John challenged. 

"No they don't. You don't make yourself very approachable to them." 

"Just because I work out of town often," 

"That's not what I'm referring to John. You know that." Alex growled.

"Can you just stop with the double meanings? Can we have an Adult conversation? Please?" 

"But John? I thought you were the only adult in this house." Alex said with a false sweetness. 

John turned on heel and stomped to the kitchen. Alex fell back onto the couch placing his head in his hands as the tears started to flow. 

Philip sighed upstairs, "they're fighting again," he announced. 

"I can hear that." Frances responded looking up from her book. 

"God, sometimes dad can be so insensitive. I mean pops said some mean stuff, but he was justified." 

"I know, it's like he didn't even realize that dad was even mildly upset the entire ride home, and he just let it simmer under the surface for a week." 

"Was it always like this?" Philip asked sitting up. 

"Like what?" 

"They didn't always fight like this, did they? I mean, they definitely didn't fight this often when I was younger." 

Frances thought, "no this is definitely new, as of this year at least. They fought a lot when you were a freshman, but then last year they seemed to be doing really well, and then come this year hit, and they are constantly fighting." 

"I'm worried." Philip admitted.

"What about?" She asked. 

"Well, remember how they refused to tell us anything that was going on when they had the entire huge fight. Remember, Pops left for a few days. Dad had to go beg him to come back. What if, well what if no one makes an effort to get the other back, or one refuses to come back." 

"Neither of them would leave. They care about us to much." Frances argued. 

"But do you think they'll be able to make it? Do you think they'll be able to work through it?" She asked.

Philip paused at that, "I really hope so." 

Philip's phone buzzed, "one second Frances." He picked up, "hello?" 

"Hey sweetie." Georges said from the other side. 

"Hey Georges, what's up?" 

"I was wandering if you wanted to come over? Herc and papa are going out and so I'll be home alone." 

"One second." He said, "Frances, do you mind if I go out? Probably sleep over. If not that's okay." 

"Yeah, that's fine, go spend time with your boyfriend, I have plans with Angie anyways." 

"Okay," he held the phone back to his ear, "yeah I should be able to. What time?" 

"Is six okay?" Georges asked. 

"Yeah." 

"See you then." 

"See you." Philip hung up, "I should probably ask one of them, but they'll probably say yes." 

She smiled. "So, you and Georges, how's that going?" 

"Great!" He grinned, "he is so sweet. And I've had feelings for him for so long—" 

"I know, you always talked about him. Like constantly." 

"Anyway, it's good, I mean, actually Vee seemed a little upset, but I think he just has a crush on Georges maybe, but he didn't let it show much." 

"That's good." 

"Yeah," Philip looked down, "what about you and Angie?" 

"Nothing is going on with Angie and I. We just clicked and are getting along really well. I'm pretty sure she's straight anyways." 

"Oh that's too bad. You two would be cute." 

They continued to talk till five thirty when Philip headed downstairs. John was in the kitchen angrily typing at his computer and Alex was on the couch, where he and John usually cuddled and watched movies, reading. 

Philip decided to approach Alex who looked a little bit less pissed off. "Pops?" He asked.

"Yes son?" Alex asked looking up, giving Philip his full attention—a rare occurrence; something was always occupying him somewhat—and setting his book down. 

"Um, Georges invited me over, is it alright if I?" He trailed off.

Alex sighed, "of course, do you plan to sleep over?" 

"Maybe." 

"Well have fun." Alex said. "And don't be too late coming home in the morning." Philip nodded.

He was about to turn his attention back to the book, "pops, are you okay?" 

"Of course." Alex said brushing off Philip's hand. 

"He didn't hurt you, did he?" 

Alex looked back up sadly, "no son." He shook his head, "he would never; we are just having some marriage troubles right now. We'll get over it. We just need a little time to sort through what's going on in our minds." 

"As long as you're okay." Philip said.

"Philip, I don't want you to villainize your father like that. He is going through some personal stuff, but it's not his fault." Alex said unconvincingly. 

"Yeah okay pops." 

"Go tell your father you're going out too. He'd like to know." 

Philip nodded and headed to the kitchen, "hey dad, pops said it was okay to go to Georges for the evening, so I'm headed out." 

"Okay." John said glancing up, "have fun." 

Philip made his way out to the car, and drove the short distance to Georges' place. Hercules answered the door, "hey Philip, how's it going?" 

"Good. And you?" 

"I'm alright." 

Lafayette whirled into the room, "Herc, we will be late if you don't hurry up." They noticed Philip and smirked, "Georges you didn't tell us your boyfriend was coming; we haven't had much of a chance to talk about you having a boy over when you're home alone." 

"Come on Laf, leave the boys alone," Herc said, "Philip is probably getting enough teasing at home from Alex." 

They smirked as they headed out the door, "use protection!" 

"Sorry boys," Herc whispered before shutting the door behind himself. 

"Insufferable," Georges sighed, plopping down onto the couch, "absolutely insufferable." 

"At least you didn't have to deal with pops. When he found us and you ran off, he teased me until we were almost home about that one." 

"It wasn't that bad." Georges said. "Sit." He patted the spot on the couch next to him. 

"You left me there, half-hard as soon as you saw him. It was pretty bad." 

"He's your parent to deal with, I mean, I do have papa, at least Alex is halfway decent with his jokes." 

"He made the protection joke about two minutes into our relationship. And you have Herc to calm them down." 

"Ah yes, he keeps them so calm about the jokes." Georges smiled. "And you have John, who I'm sure tries to stop all the teasing." 

"It's better when dad doesn't try to stop it." 

Georges sensed the tension. "What's wrong?" 

"It's just. They are always fighting. And they had a big fight right before I came." 

"Is it—" Georges paused, unsure what to say.

"It's worse than last time. Dad just doesn't seem to care about Pops' feelings, and pops is clearly sick of it. All the romantic moments that used to be almost constant, they almost never have them. It's always fighting, or practically ignoring each other." 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Philip nodded, "what are they fighting about?" 

"Today it was about last Saturday. On our way home, pops was giving me a hard time, and we were all teasing each other. Dad just kind of snapped at pops out of nowhere. Pops has been acting off all week, and it kind of came to a head, pops was upset, and dad said he was overreacting, and that he acts like a child, and Pops got really mad and kind of let it slip that when I came out to them I told pops first because I was scared to tell dad, and dad was mad, and then dad stormed off." 

Georges just hugged Philip close. 

"And pops is all about not choosing sides, because he knows we'd all side with him, and he cares to much about dad, but dad just doesn't seem to care like he used to." 

"Anything else?" 

"Dad wants Frances and I to meet his family. They were talking about it last week, and pops was against it. I don't know much about dad's family, but I know they're from South Carolina, and we've all heard of Senator Laurens." 

"That's your grandpa?" Georges asked. 

"Yeah, and all of a sudden, he says he wants to meet us, and dad is all too willing. I mean, based on the few articles I've read about him, I know I don't want to meet him." 

"Well, he's retired now isn't he? Maybe he's better." 

"Likely story." Philip snorted, "you know, he didn't talk to dad for eight years. From when he announced he was gay to when I was four. And I don't even know why dad wants to see him again. He claims he wants to reconnect with his family and that if Pops had any he would feel the same." 

Georges gasped, "he said that? Really?" 

"I know, a horrible thing. He can't play that card. Pops called him on it too. So they 'compromised' dad will go down there in May, and if it goes okay, he'll bring Frances and I down there in July. They didn't even ask us." 

"They both seem like they've had a lot on their mind lately." Georges suggested, "maybe it didn't even cross their mind." 

"They're so preoccupied with fighting each other, they barely pay us any mind. I worry about Frances. She's always felt kind of forgotten. I don't know, it's just, she's always been doing things that dad and pops aren't into, so they went to my events more than hers."

"I see." Georges agreed. 

"And I just feel like, they need to make more of an effort to make sure she is cared for her. I mean most of the time, she kind of slips by unnoticed with her books." 

"It'll be okay Philip." 

"I hope so." 

"They always make it. They've been through worse than this." 

"I hope so." Philip repeated. 

They watched a movie and got some dinner. Philip eventually fell asleep on the couch. 

Georges struggled but eventually succeeded to carry him to his bed. He headed back to the living room, and around eleven, Hercules and Lafayette got back. 

"Hey kid," Herc said smiling, "how was your evening?" 

"Good." Georges responded, setting his book down. 

Lafayette followed a moment later giggling clearly having had a couple too many drinks. "Where's Philip?" They asked.

"In bed." 

Hercules chuckled, "really kid, you're just asking for it with that one." 

Lafayette could barely hold in a giggle, "papa, please, we just talked. He was upset about his family; we watched a movie; he fell asleep." 

They suddenly went serious, "what's going on in his family?" 

"Alex and John have been fighting a lot. And apparently John wants to take Philip and Frances to visit his family." 

"Why would he want to do that?" Hercules asked. "He hasn't talked to them since he came out. He hates them." 

"Apparently, John has been in contact with them since Philip was four. Not constant contact by any means, but on and off, and his father had been asking to meet the kids, and John finally asked Alex." 

"And then what happened?" 

"They've been fighting a lot. John was calling Alex childish, and Alex was just very upset, and it's been like this for a while." 

Laf was completely serious now, the bubbly drunkenness, gone now. "I'll talk to them in the morning. Maybe I'll talk to Alex; you talk to John?" They asked Herc.

"Yeah, that's s good idea." Herc agreed. "You should get some sleep Georges, I'll make some breakfast in the morning for you two." 

"And please try to keep the teasing to a minimum in front of Philip." 

"Of course mon chéri." Lafayette agreed pushing him off to the bedroom. 

"I do hope Alex and John are alright." They said turning back to Hercules. 

"I'm sure they will be. Don't worry."


	4. Chapter 4

Alex was sitting at his desk to get some extra work done. At around eleven, John knocked on the door to their room, "Alex? Can I come in?" 

"Of course." Alex sighed. John had taken to knocking and asking to enter, and Alex had never felt more disconnected from him, after all it was Their room, not just his. 

John entered but stayed near the door frame, after finishing the paragraph he was reading, Alex looked up. "Is something up?" 

"Can we talk?" John asked. 

"Sure." Alex stood up. 

"Okay," John said leading them to the couch in the corner, "look, I'm sorry I've been acting the way I have. You were right, I was being unfair, and inappropriate when I called you out in front of the kids. And I should've realized you were upset earlier, and I don't think you are irresponsible." 

"What are you saying?"   
"I want to move past this. For us. For our marriage." 

Alex frowned, "so I'm just supposed to forgive and forget and move on?" 

"No!" John corrected, "I'm not expecting that, and I'm also not going to tell you what you should do. Because that's not my job, I'm not in charge of you, and I now realize that." 

"And what about the next time we fight? What about the next big decision?" 

"I'm not asking you to have a plan, I just wanted to apologize, to work towards our marriage being happy again." 

"But just apologizing and moving on isn't the solution." Alex said becoming frustrated, "we have to actually work to move past this. We have to prove with actions, words aren't gonna cut it at this point." 

"Well, what do you want me to do?" John, who was also becoming agitated, asked. 

"Right there. That." Alex pointed, "you can't just start snapping and getting angry the moment a conversation doesn't go your way." 

"It's not that, it's just!" 

"What John?" Alex asked softly this time.

"I came here to apologize and you're turning this conversation on me!" 

"I'm not turning anything on you, I'm just trying to have a constructive conversation, instead of one where we agree to apologize, but we don't do anything about it." 

"You act all high and mighty as if you don't have anything to apologize for. At least I used my words." 

"And I've been using my actions." 

"I have to knock and ask to enter our bedroom Alex! That's not apologizing or forgiveness!" 

"That's another thing! I hate that! I'm not making you do that. You are. And when you do that, I feel so disconnected from you!" 

"Oh I'm sorry, for trying to give you space or a little privacy, but it's not like I can read your mind, and you don't talk to me anymore!" 

"Why do you think that is John?" 

"I. Don't. Know." He grumbled.

"It's because ever since you started going on more business trips, which would be fine by the way, if when you were home you weren't so distant. It's like I don't even know you anymore." 

"You know I need to go on the business trips. For my job." 

"And you know it's not the business trips that I mind. It's how you act when you're home. You used to talk about your childhood how your father would go on trips, and when he got back, he was never quite present, and how that just killed you. You're doing the same thing to our kids." 

"How dare you say that." John growled, "how dare you bring him into this." 

"It's not a sore subject for you, you're the one who wants to see him again, to show him our kids." 

"I want to give him another chance. I want my father to be able to see our kids. No matter how many mistakes he made, he's still my father. That seems to be a concept you never learned." 

Alex's face flashed in anger for only a second, "you've been doing this a lot lately, and you promised. You fucking promised that you would never intentionally discount me or make me feel bad about my upbringing." 

"I didn't mean it like that—" 

"What the fuck did you mean it like then?" Alex snapped, "did you mean it as just a casual mention of my deadbeat dad causing me to not have as great of a childhood as you in your fucking rich house with your servants, and your fucking rich family." 

"Don't romanticize my childhood, you know it wasn't like that." 

"And you know nothing about actual childhood suffering. God John! I've met my dad once. My mother died when I was twelve! My sister died when I was eight, my guardian after that commuted suicide. My brother and I were split up, I haven't seen him since I was thirteen. I had to start working while in school and get good enough grades enough that I could get a scholarship and come to America. Then the hurricane hit. So many people died John, so many people, and when I finally came over I had to work so much harder than you in college because if my grades slipped even a fraction, it was back to the island. So yeah excuse me for not wanting to be invalidated or even compared to your childhood because they were nothing alike. Nothing." 

"Alex that's not what I meant—" 

"Of course it isn't. It never is." 

"Alex, I'm sorry." 

Alex glanced at the clock, "I, I need to go." 

"Alex wait." 

"I need to go." Alex repeated, shutting the door behind him, leaning against it for a moment. 

"Alex," John said through the door. "Please. I'm sorry." 

Philip walked out of his room when he heard the commotion, "pops? Pops are you alright?" 

"I'm fine Philip." Alex tried to say, as he slid to the ground crying. 

"Dad?" Philip called, "dad!" 

John rushed out to find Alex crying on the floor. He lifted him up bridal style and carried him back to the bed. "Alex? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Alex argued. 

"Honey," John said feeling his forehead with the back of his hand, "you're burning up. Philip go get the thermometer." 

Philip brought it back, and as it turned out, Alex didn't have a fever, he just was a little overheated. "I'll be right back sweetie," John called out leaving the room. Alex nodded. 

As soon as John shut the bedroom door behind him, Philip was waiting angrily, "what did you do to him?" 

"I went to apologize about my behavior and we got into a fight. I didn't realize anything was wrong with his health." 

"You can't keep this up." Philip stated coldly.

"Can't keep what up?" 

"One of you needs to apologize and not let the conversation get into a fight." 

"I tried son." John said irritation lacing his tone, "and it didn't work. He just kept getting angry at me." 

"Well you can't just expect that he automatically will be happily forgiving you." 

"I'll try son." 

Philip nodded curtly and went back to his room. 

John went back to the bedroom, "Alex, I'm sorry. I let that conversation get out of hand. I shouldn't have let it turn into a fight like that." 

"It was my fault. You were just trying to apologize and I got mad and started arguing." 

"Yeah, but I should've kept calm better." 

"I really do want to work forward." Alex said hopefully, "we can work past this, we just need to." 

"We can. We will. I want to." John assured him. 

"We should go out. Just you and I." Alex suggested, "we haven't been on a date in so long." 

"Let's schedule that." 

"Tonight." 

"Okay, I'll call. You can get dressed." 

Alex nodded as John turned to leave, "John, thank you for trying again. I know I've been hard to deal with. But thank you." 

"Alex I would try again a million times with you. I love you. No matter what you could possibly do, I would still love you." 

"I love you too."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Alex what's wrong?" 
> 
> "Pops," Philip said trying to diffuse the situation.
> 
> "Kids. Upstairs." 
> 
> "Dad," Frances whispered. 
> 
> "Now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance. This made me very upset while writing, and I apologize for the angst.

"I'll see you in three days." John said awkwardly from the gate of the terminal. 

"Have fun." Alex murmured hugging him. John immediately relaxed into it, Alex hadn't been that close to him in what felt like forever, "I'm sorry." He whispered. 

"I'm sorry." John agreed. "I-I'm sorry, but I do have to go." He pulled back, giving Alex a single quick peck on the cheeks. 

"See you in three days." Alex called out before John turned around and looked back just once before he passed the gates and could no longer be seen from the non-secure section of the airport. 

Alex sighed. They had finally made some progress. They weren't fighting so much any more. It was finally starting to look better for them, and of course right as things started to look better, he had to go and leave. 

Philip grabbed his hand, "it'll be okay pops. Just three days. Remember?"

"Just three days." He repeated and smiled sadly. 

Philip tugged his hand a little, "remember, we were going to meet Laf, Herc, and Georges for lunch?" 

Alex nodded. "Yeah, let's go." 

He followed. Frances put her phone back in her pocket and followed the both of them through the airport and to the car.

They got to the restaurant and Laf, Herc, and Georges were already waiting. 

"Late." Lafayette tsked.

"Calm down," Alex rolled his eyes, "we were at the airport, and we are what? Two minutes late?" 

Lafayette smiled, "well Georges made sure we got here plenty early." 

"I'm sure he did." Alex agreed. "So how are you two doing by the way?" He asked changing the subject.

Philip looked up from where he had been whispering in Georges' ear, blushing, "we're fine pops." 

"Glad to hear it." 

Georges whispered something back to Philip making him blush more profusely. "Something wrong little Philip?" Lafayette laughed. 

"No ser." Philip replied looking down at his plate. 

Lafayette and Alex just couldn't stop grinning at each other across the table from each other. 

They had a pleasant meal filled with jokes mostly at Philip and Georges' expense. 

"Well," Laf began after they had taken care of the check, "it's been nice today, we need to get together more, I know you've been working more, but we still need to." 

"I'd love to. I'm free next Wednesday. Washington has a big case, but gave me the day off, so I could get lunch." 

"Yeah, sounds great." Laf agreed. "Enjoy your weekend!" 

"You too!" 

 

Alex took the kids home and had a relaxing day. He only had to go into the office for a few hours to write a closing statement for his case, then cut and rewrite until it was short enough. Saturday gave him time to catch up on the books he had been reading in spare time and the kids got their homework done. 

Sunday morning came and he decided to make a nice dinner since John would be arriving home that evening. "Frances! Philip!" 

"Yeah dad?" Frances asked from the door to the kitchen, Philip stood next to her. 

"Want to go to the grocery store than help me make some dinner? If you have homework that's fine, but if not, I'd like you to come." 

"Sure pops." Philip responded grabbing his shoes. 

They headed to the store. As they were in the fruit section, Philip looked up to ask a question, "Pops?" 

"Yes Philip?" 

"Do we have any summer plans? You know, as a family?" 

"Nothing planned as far as I know," Alex shrugged. "Why?" 

"Georges actually invited me to go with him and his family this summer." 

"Where are they going?" Alex asked. 

"France." 

"Does Laf know that you were invited?"

"It was their idea, so I would assume so." Philip stammered out, "so?" 

"I don't know son, we'll discuss it with your father when he gets home, but considering how well we know them, it should probably work out. If not for the whole summer, at least a week or two." 

Philip smiled brightly, "thanks pops!" 

"I have been feeling a little bad about all the fighting recently, so I just want to make it up to you." 

"Pops, it's not your fault." 

"Some of it is my fault, you can't just blame your father for everything about that. Alright? He means well, we've just recently had some communication problems, but I can tell it's getting better. We can work past it. We'll be fine." 

"What else is on the list dad?" Frances asked returning from the vegetable section. 

"Just frozen corn and we need some milk. So why don't you two go get the corn, I'll get the milk, meet by the checkout counter?" 

"Sure dad." Frances said. 

It only took a few moments to get the corn, and they reached the checkout counter quickly. 

That's when Frances saw it.

"Philip," he looked up, "Philip, go get dad. We need to leave." 

"What?" Philip asked. Clearly confused.

"Look," she pointed to the magazine. "Go get dad. We need to leave now." 

It was too late. Alex gasped from behind her, having seen it. He stepped forward picking it up. On the cover, it read:

Senator Thomas Pinckney's Secret Love Affair!  
With a blaring photo of Pinckney kissing none other than John Laurens. 

Alex flipped through it, his lip caught between his teeth, but still trembling. 

"Buddy," the cashier said, "if you wanna read it, you gotta buy it. Sorry." 

Alex looked up, and he had never looked quite so broken, "I'll get it. Kids, leave the cart, come on." 

He paid for the single magazine and left. 

He didn't say anything when they reached the car, only slammed the door. That was when he broke down into sobs. The tears came quickly. "Pops," Philip said trying to comfort him. 

"You're right." Alex said, "sorry." He wiped the tears. "Sorry. Let's just—let's go home." 

They rode in silence. Alex switched the radio off after a few seconds of flipping stations and finding nothing satisfactory on. Frances and Philip didn't even know where to start if they wanted to say something. 

When Alex got home, he went to the living room and flipped through the magazine. 

There were multiple pictures taken over the last six months, all taken whenever John had business trips. The article had detailed speculations about what probably occurred, but Alex only looked at the pictures. He couldn't believe it. Right in front of him was an entire magazine detailing his husband's—for God's sake! They were married—love affair with a big name senator. 

Around six Alex decided to throw some dinner together. Just pasta, something quick and easy. 

Frances and Philip were helping him silently, afraid of what would happen if they brought it up. 

Alex was trying not to shake, or let his sadness show, but it wasn't working. He was clearly distressed, and was constantly biting his lower lip and tugging on small pieces of his hair, frowning at the sauce. 

John arrived at six thirty. "Baby girl. I'm home." He called setting his bags down. Alex turned away taking a moment to compose himself, "Alex? I'm home." 

"I heard you the first time." Alex snapped still refusing to turn and see John's face. Afraid of how he would react to swing that face. The face that was on the magazine, kissing another man. 

"Honey what's wrong?" 

"Pops," Philip started, trying to difuse the tension. 

"Kids. Upstairs." Alex said with barely concealed anger for John.

"Dad," Frances whispered.

"Now." 

They quickly left the kitchen. "Alex? What's going on?" John asked nervously. 

"Did you cheat on me?" Alex asked point blank turning to face him for the first time. 

"What?" John asked taken aback. "No. Of course not." 

"John. Don't lie to me. Did you cheat on me?" 

John stood more firmly this time, "no, I didn't cheat on you. Why are you saying this?"

"So you're telling me that you haven't been secretly meeting with Thomas Pinckney behind my back?" 

John paled at that, "wha-what are you talking about?" 

"This John!" Alex grabbed the magazine, "did you cheat on me?" He asked again. John looked down. "Answer me!" 

"It's-it's not what it looks like. I just—" 

"You just what John?" Alex yelled. "You just accidentally run into and kiss this man and do God knows what with him every time you leave on 'business' trips? You better tell me what the hell this is!" 

"I'm sorry." John said. "Alex, I just, it's not. I don't love him. I love you. I just." 

"I'm just not enough. I get it." Alex said coldly, "and you were trying to convince me to give you another try! And I was listening! God I was so stupid!" 

"Alex, you weren't stupid. You're not stupid." 

"You think I need your validation right now?" Alex barked out. "You think I need you to tell me I'm not stupid?" 

"Alex please." 

"Either explain yourself or just stop. You don't get to just 'Alex please' yourself out of this one. Not like you usually do." 

"What do you want to know?" John asked. 

"When did it start?" 

John sighed, "October." 

"After the big fight? Or was that the reason for the fight?" 

"After the fight." 

"Let me ask you this..." Alex said coldly.

"Anything." John agreed.

"Was he worth it?" 

"What?" 

"Was he worth it? Was sleeping with him worth losing me?" 

"Alex please don't leave. Please. I'll do anything." 

"I'm not going anywhere." 

John looked up in realization, "please. Don't make me leave." 

"Get out." 

"Alex—" 

"OUT!" He yelled. "Leave." His voice softened, "I don't even want to look at you. I don't want our children to have to look at you. I don't want you here." 

John swallowed his sobs and grabbed his bag before leaving. 

Alex collapsed onto the couch sobbing. The kids came down at some point to help him get dinner and to comfort him. But he didn't remember much. He was in too much pain to even think properly, let alone remember the events of that evening. 

 

John showed up at Lafayette's place about twenty minutes later. He knocked. They answered and fixed him with a stern icy glare. "Laf," he began.

"Why are you here?" They asked sharply. 

"Please, I need to stay here. Just tonight." 

They hesitated before relenting and letting him in. "You can sleep on the couch." 

"Thank you." He nodded. "I assume you know?" He asked. 

"You bastard." They snarled. "You fucking bastard." 

"Laf?" Herc called, "I hope you're not calling Georges' teacher that." He entered, and saw John standing there. "Oh." His eyes narrowed as he scanned John once over. 

"Please don't do this. Just hear me out." John begged.

"No." Laf snapped, "you don't get to defend yourself to me. You can defend yourself to Alex if he allows it and then maybe I will listen." 

"I didn't mean to hurt him." 

"When you two got married you promised him you would stay loyal, and you promised me you would do everything in your power to keep him from getting hurt. I don't think asking you to keep your dick in your pants was too much to ask." 

"I told you, it wasn't like that—" 

"And I think I made it quite clear that I'm not listening to you listing excuses," they growled. 

"I'm calling Georges' teacher, we should reschedule the meeting. Now isn't the best time." Hercules decided. "I'll be right back." 

Lafayette continued to give John an icy glare, "I assume you've eaten?" 

"No, but I'm fine." He said setting his bag by the couch. "Laf," 

"You're not getting any pity from me." They growled, "you don't even deserve the pity I've already given you." 

"I know." 

"Good." They said before turning on heel, leaving the room and joining Herc in the bedroom. 

He called Alex. No answer. He called again and left a message.

"Alex, I know you don't want to talk right now, but please hear me out. Please. Call me back please. Please. I'm so sorry." 

No response. He laid down and tried to get some sleep. 

He didn't get much before he was woken up by noise in the kitchen. When he went into the kitchen, he received icy stares from Laf, Herc, and Georges. 

The one from Georges hurt the most. He must have talked to Philip, it reminded him too much of what awaited him at home. A family who no doubt hated him for what he did. For the promises he failed to keep, and the lies that he was living. Georges' gaze was filled with nothing but contempt. 

His phone buzzed and he quickly looked at it. 

From Alex, My Love  
Come home so we can talk. 

To Alex, My Love  
I'll be back in twenty minutes

He shot back a reply almost instantly. "Thank you for letting me stay last night." He paused, "I'm sorry." 

"Don't apologize to us." Lafayette said, "save it for your family. For Alex." 

He nodded, "thank you again." He grabbed his bag to go. "see you later."


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You call sleeping with another man for months a mistake? John you were so mad when you found me Kissing a woman! Just kissing! And you did probably anything and everything with this man. And you're claiming my anger to be unjustified?"

He drove the short distance to home where Alex was waiting at the kitchen table with Frances and Philip. 

He sat down in his usual seat. "Alex is this a talk that the kids need to hear?" He asked.

"Yes," he said stoically, "we need to make the decision that is best for our family." 

"Okay." John agreed. "First of all, I'm just sorry, I didn't think, and I'm so sorry." 

Alex barely showed any emotion at that besides biting his lip like he usually does when upset, "the question on the table is not your intentions, but what to do next." 

"What are the options?" John asked nervously praying that there was a chance. That not everything ended in divorce. In an end to his entire life as he knew it. 

"Either we split up and work to share custody of the kids, or we try to work through it as a couple." Alex stated in a very detached manner, as if he wasn't talking about his marriage being split up. "Kids, do you have any input?" 

"I think it's really up to you pops," Philip said, "I mean, we'll support you no matter what you do." 

"Thank you Philip." Alex concluded, "Frances?" 

"I agree, if you want to split up, you have every right to, but if you want to try, we will support you." 

John tried not to wince at the singular you or the fact that both only addressed Alex when they spoke, after all, he did deserve it. 

"John, any thoughts?" 

"I really want to try again, please. I'll be better. Please." 

He tried to hold Alex's hands from across the table but Alex pulled away, frowning. Alex let a single tear fall down his cheek as he thought for a moment before coming to a decision his eyes glazed over with tears as he answered, "I can't do it. I'm sorry, but you said you would never do this. You promised." 

"Alex," 

"No. I can't. I just can't do it! I never thought you would do this. I never thought that we would be worried about this. But here we are, and I can't do it John. We can talk about custody." 

John's tears began to fall. "Alex?" 

"What should we do about custody?" Alex asked as if he hadn't heard John. 

John stiffened at the abruptness. "well splitting it seems like the logical solution."

"Only if that's what the kids want, and right now that doesn't seem likely." 

"We aren't making the kids choose this. That is awful." 

"Letting the kids choose not making." Alex corrected.

"Well you're not getting full custody. I've always paid half of everything for them. And I'm not the one ending the marriage." 

Alex's eyes flashed in anger, "let me make this perfectly fucking clear. I may be saying the final words to end the marriage officially, but I can assure you your actions are what ended this marriage. Not mine." 

John nodded weakly. 

"Got it?" 

"Yes, okay, so split custody, what will we do for now?" 

"They can stay here with me." Alex stated.

"And I can go?" John asked. 

"I don't know. Either you can stay in the guest room or you can find your own place." 

"So I have to leave?" John asked.

"I didn't say that." 

"The clear implication was that I can stay as an unwanted guest for now, but just for now." John said, "you can't just kick me out." 

"Maybe you should have thought about that before you cheated on us." 

"Look, I made a mistake, but—" 

"You call sleeping with another man for months a mistake? John you were so mad when you found me Kissing a woman! Just kissing! And you did probably anything and everything with this man. And you're claiming my anger to be unjustified?" 

"No, I'm not, but I also forgave you. Please, just a second chance. Please Alex." 

"John, I can't keep this up. I thought you were really trying, but but you weren't." 

"I was, I ended it with Pinckney. I wanted to fix things with you, and so I ended it with him. And I was going to tell you—" 

"I asked you twice and you only admitted it once you realized I had damning evidence against you. When were you going to tell me?" 

"After things had settled down, after we were doing better." 

"So you were going to keep me under the illusion I had done something wrong, until we had reconnected enough to that it would be harder to be angry with you?" 

"No, I just knew it would hurt you and didn't want to tell you." 

"Instead of lying to me to protect me from your actions, you could have just not cheated on me!" Alex yelled. 

"I know, and I'm sorry." 

"You're not though." Alex said at a normal volume, "you still don't seem to get how wrong what you did was." 

"I do. I know that it was awful and that I don't deserve you again, but if you could just please—" 

"Let me ask you this, if the positions had been switched, would you be able to forgive me?" 

"I did forgive you when—" 

"No." Alex started again, "not in the case of me kissing someone for thirty seconds when at a bar with you, but in the case of sleeping with another man for months, and finding out from a gossip magazine. Would you be able to forgive me?" 

"I think I would be angry, and upset, but I think I could work to see past it, and not end our marriage." 

"You're still lying." Alex glared, "would you be able to forgive me?" 

"I would never stop loving you, no matter what. I would try again. I would. I'd be upset, but I know I wouldn't end it." 

"You know you would be more than slightly upset. You would be fucking furious. And there would be nothing that would change your mind, you would aim for divorce without a second glance." 

"That's not true. You know my opinions on divorce." 

"Yes," Alex agreed, "bad unless dire situations. But when your father cheated on your mother, do you wish they had divorced, do you think your mother had the right to divorce him?" 

"Alex—" 

"Answer the question John." 

"Yes, I think she should have divorced him." 

"And why is this any different?" Alex growled, "following in your fathers footsteps in more ways than one, aren't we now?" 

"Alex please." John teared up, "you know I'm not like my father." 

"No John. I thought you weren't like your father. Thought." Alex snapped, "now, let's get back on topic." 

"Can we consider a non-divorce situation here?" 

"Okay, John, what do you recommend?" Alex asked angrily. 

"Can we please just try again?" 

"No. I can't. I can't just try again. Because you don't know how much more it will hurt if you break my heart a second time? It will be so much worse, and it would be my fault for letting you close enough for you to hurt me. I used to think that I would let you break my heart a million times, but you can't just do that. It hurt so much, and you weren't even there. I had to find out from a fucking gossip magazine. Half the country knows. Half the country knew before I did. They mentioned our marriage, everyone who wants to hire me in the future will see that article. My entire life will have the article of my husband cheating on me following me around." 

"Alex, in all the rest of my days I will work to never hurt you again." 

"Funny." Alex barked out a choked sound of laughter, "you said such a similar thing on our wedding day." 

"Alex, I, please, one last try. I promise I won't mess up. And I know I messed up worse than I ever should've. And I don't deserve this, but please. Please, one more try." 

"You're right about that. You don't deserve another chance." 

"Please." 

"Kids, can I have a moment alone with your father?" Alex asked.

Philip and Frances nodded and immediately left. They headed upstairs to Frances' room, "what do you think will happen?" Frances asked once the door was shut. 

"I think Pops was being pretty clear what he wanted, and no one can blame him. What dad did was just—" 

"Awful, I know." Frances finished for him. "But I don't want them going to court, that will tear them apart." 

"They are already pretty far apart." 

"I mean individually. Both of them going through it without the support of each other?" 

"And we know pops would win." Philip said, "he knows all the big name lawyers and could get anyone, just to call in a favor from them." 

"But no one really wins in those cases." Frances said, "I mean both of them will be miserable, and we won't be happy. We'll have to start living two lives to please both of them." 

Philip sighed. "I know this kind of thing happens all the time, I just never thought it would be our family. Never thought either of them would cheat on the other. They seemed so in love. They seemed like the perfect couple." 

"I know." 

Downstairs, John was begging, "Alex, love, please, I, please." 

"Don't call me that."

"Alex—" 

"I cannot put myself and our children through that." 

"Divorce isn't easy—" 

"I fucking know that John," Alex snapped, "I work divorce court much of the time. And I also know that these cases never side well with the cheater." 

"I'm more than just 'the cheater'" 

"You don't think I know that?" Alex asked, "you're the love of my life. My husband, the father of my children, and that's what makes this worse, we've been married for nineteen years John, and you cheated on me. And I can't even stop thinking about that. Between those nights you stole away with him, you were trying to placate me after our fights. And between nights with him, you were kissing me with those same lips, touching me with those same hands, and taking me apart with the same body. I thought we had something sacred. Something important to both of us, but you just easily moved onto someone else. Was I unable to satisfy you? Is that it? Did I not give you what you needed?" 

"I'm so sorry." John murmured, "I'm so sorry." He repeated it like a mantra. 

"And our kids. They have to see me going through this. They will see me as weak. And everyone knows. Everyone knows John! I will go to work tomorrow, and everyone will know what you did, everyone will know that I wasn't enough, because while there is stigma against those who cheat. The stigma around those cheated on is just as prominent. The looks of pity, the snide remarks, it's not even as if it's some small rumor going around. There is a fucking CBS article about it. You've made our marriage a clown show John." 

"Alex you know I would never purposely hurt you again–—"

"No John. I don't. How can I? Because you know, I never thought you would do this. But here we are, and how am I supposed to trust that you won't do it again John?" 

"I'm sorry." 

"Don't just apologize. Answer me." 

"I don't know. I don't know how you're supposed to trust me, because what I did was awful, but if you could just give me one more try—" 

"No. I can't. John, you can't keep talking in circles like this. I said no."

"Alright." John said, tears streaming down his face. "Alright. I need to go. I need to leave." 

"You don't just get to walk out John." 

"I better start practicing for when I don't live here anymore." John snapped. 

"Don't act like I'm the bad guy here. I'm ending this because you cheated on me. And right now you don't get to just storm out because the kids need us right now. If you really want your own place right now, be my guest, but tonight we need to help the kids. And I honestly doubt you have anywhere to go, because probably no one is fond of you right now." 

John sat back at the table. 

"That's what I thought. Now, we are going to have a family dinner tonight." Alex explained, "you will be present, but you can do whatever you want until then. Got it?" 

"Yes Alex." 

"And if you plan to move out, at least during the months of the divorce process, I expect you to be hear weekly for Sunday dinners. And we can talk about the kids staying with you." 

"Okay," 

"So are you?" Alex asked.

"Am I what?" 

"Are you going to find your own place?" 

"Probably."John sighed, "staying here, I know you don't want me to. And it'll be easier on both of us if I don't." 

Alex nodded, "a coworker just moved out of a little apartment close to your work. I can give you the number of he place. They're looking for tenants." 

John looked up to see Alex's eyes filled with tears, "Alex." He stood reaching to wipe the tears away. 

Alex forcefully jerked back. "Don't you dare. Don't touch me. You don't get to comfort me. You don't get to touch me. Not with those hands. Not with the hands that touched him." 

John backed away, "I'm sorry." 

Alex nodded and left the room headed for their bedroom, although now it really was just Alex's.


	7. Chapter 7

The next weekend, John was moving out. He had found a little two bedroom on short notice and moved into it. After all, Alex had made hIs opinion on where John stayed pretty clear. Philip and Frances had come to help John move in to it with his boxes of stuff. Alex had stayed home, but was having Lafayette over for lunch. John was glad to not have to see Lafayette, because he knew that if Alex was angry and sad about what was going on, Lafayette was on the verge of killing John. 

He hadn't talked to them since the night he stayed at their apartment, but Alex had been on the phone with them almost every night. 

"Dad?" Philip asked breaking John out of his thoughts. "Where do you want this?" He was holding a box. 

It was an old cardboard box that looked like it might just fall apart if not held carefully. John frowned at it, "let me see what it is." Philip handed him the box and he slowly opened it. John gasped when he saw what it was. 

Of course Alex would send it with him. Of course he would be that petty and send it with him. Of fucking course he would. He picked up the first thing: a little photo album with all the ticket stubs they had ever gone to together. Next were the baby pictures of when they were just married holding Philip and grinning stupidly at each other. There were ones of Frances and Philip, ones of Georges and Vee with Philip, ones of Alex and John on dates, doing all the typical married couple things. In the box, there was a VHS with the baby videos on it. There were little crafts the kids made, ornaments with Philip's picture, little finger paintings that Frances made, and little clay sculptures both kids had made. All the cards John had ever given Alex for Valentine's Day or birthdays or Christmas were in there. All of John's first published news articles were in there. His first front page, his first published column, his first exposé. Everything was in there. Alex had saved everything. Alex had saved everything and no longer wanted it. He wanted to get rid of John, of everything John had given him. 

John picked up the last few newspaper articles, his tears streaming down his cheeks. He saw the last thing in the box, it was a hand-written letter. The date was the day before the wedding. 

"Dad?" Philip asked again after John had been silent for almost five minutes. 

"Why don't you and Frances watch something on the tv, I need to take care of something. We will get some dinner together after that. Thanks for your help." 

Philip nodded and was about to respond, but John had already carried the box to the bedroom and sat holding the letter. 

It began with an almost normal introduction, 

 

_Dear John,_  
_I'm so sorry to do this, but I can't marry you. I'm sorry that we went through this all, and I'm sorry that I can't follow through. And you need to know that I love you, that's why I'm doing this, for you. And I know that I can never give you what you need, I wouldn't be a good husband or a good father, and that's who you should be marrying. And I don't deserve you. All that would happen in our marriage is I would disappoint you, and it is better that I don't allow this to go further. So that you can move on, and find someone better, someone who won't disappoint you. Anyway, all this to say, I'm sorry that I won't be able to marry you tomorrow, but it must be so. For I want you to be fully happy, and my own happiness would impede that, and that is not what I want. So for us both, but most importantly, for you, I will not be making my way down the aisle for you tomorrow. I'm sorry, but it will be alright. You will find someone who can fulfill your every need, someone who can love you fully without taking from you. I know you will find him. He'll be able to do what I can't. Just know that I love you and that I always will. And I'm so sorry we had to end this way, but it just has to be this way, because otherwise it will be just so much more painful. Please do not give up on love, find someone else. You're one true love is waiting out there somewhere. Don't make him wait too long._  
_Love you forever  
Alexander Hamilton _

 

There was a small piece of tape left where the engagement ring had been taped down and removed again. God, Alex thought _he_ would be the one to ruin the marriage, he thought _he_ wasn't worth John, but he was all wrong. John had proved Alex right. It would've been so much less painful if they never got married. But it also would've been without the nineteen best years in John's life. It would've been without their two perfect children. It would've been without all the good memories and without all the laughter that filled their home. Without the joy when they first brought Philip home, the excitement when they found out the surrogate had successfully gotten pregnant. And when they found out she was pregnant again. It wouldn't have had all those memories because they are what is making this so painful. Because he can still remember all the good times. All the ways Alex used to look at him, all the fun they had together. But he's tainted those memories. He has ruined them. And he can't even blame anyone, he did this. He ruined it. And Alex thought that he would do that. Part of John wished that they never married, but the other part knows he would've messed it up no matter what happened. 

He thought back to the night the affair started. He and Alex had gotten into a big fight, and agreed to make up, but neither were really content, rather were just bitter about it. John left for his trip and had an interview with Senator Thomas Pinckney. 

 

Thomas had started being blatantly flirtatious. John tried to keep it professional. At least at first. After a while, they were both openly flirting and John had set his notepad down many minutes ago. 

__

"Where're you staying tonight?" Thomas asked with his southern drawl clouding the words. 

__

That made John pause. "Look, I'm sorry if I gave the wrong impression," he twirled his wedding ring around his finger, "but I'm married, and I really shouldn't have—" 

__

"Really," Thomas cut him off, "it's not a problem." He twisted his own wedding band around in a circle for emphasis, "I'm not looking for anything serious." 

__

John glanced around, nervously, but his mind seemed like it was already making itself up for him. 

__

"Here." Thomas grabbed a pen and a notecard, "here's my hotel for the night. Meet me in the lobby at six and we can get some dinner together." 

__

John just nodded dumbly as Thomas stood up to leave. 

__

"Pleasure meeting you." 

__

 

Just then John's phone started ringing. "Hello?" 

"John, it's Laf." Lafayette said devoid of any emotion, "Alex is wandering when you'll be dropping the kids off, and if you're moved in enough to stay there tonight?" 

"I'll be back with the kids within the hour, and I should be able to stay here tonight. Does he mind if I stay for dinner?" 

"Let me check." They said before setting the phone down a moment to talk to Alex, "he said that's fine, as long as you know Herc, Georges and I will be here." 

"Okay." John agreed, "see you then I guess." 

They hung up without another word. He headed out of the bedroom to the living room where Philip and Frances had been reading. They looked up at his tear streaked face. "Dad, are you all right?" Frances asked carefully. 

"I'm okay, I just, I found something that Alex wrote me before our marriage." 

Philip and Frances glanced between each other and nodded, "so you two are actually...?" 

"I'm afraid so." John affirmed. "I'm sorry you two have to go through this. We are trying to make this as easy as possible on you two, but it won't be easy, and thank you for being so strong and good about it. I know Alex and I need all the support we can get right now. So thank you." 

"Dad, why'd you do it?" Philip asked cautiously. 

"Pinckney invited me back to dinner and it wasn't like he didn't make his intentions clear. And after dinner, he lead me back to his room. I didn't say no." 

"But why?" Frances prodded. 

"I was angry at Alex, and I had this idea that this would fix that. It didn't. And then I just kept going to get rid of stress." 

The kids just nodded. 

"I told Alex is have you home soon, so we should get going." 

"Are you staying for dinner dad?" Frances asked. 

"Yes, I was planning to. Laf, Herc, and Georges will be there as well." 

Philip grabbed his book and stood up, and Frances repeated he action herself. They all headed to the car. The ride was silent as Frances and Philip tried to make sense of the information John had given them. 

They pulled into the drive way, and slowly made their way into the house. Alex and Lafayette were waiting in the living room. Alex had clearly been crying most of the afternoon and gave the kids a sad little smile. 

Laf just gave John an impassive glance. "Is Georges coming tonight ser?" Philip asked. 

"That depends Philip," they teased smirking.

"Papa!" Georges yelled as he heard the conversation from the door. "Please. That's just plain creepy." 

Alex just smiled slightly until he looked up as if to say something witty, and saw John, he looked back down frowning. Lafayette leaned over to whisper something in his ear, Alex nodded. 

He stood up, "Laf and I are going to go make dinner, you guys can stay in here." He made eye contact with John as he said it, and John just nodded. Georges and Philip took the spots on the couch left by Alex and Laf. Herc entered and say on the other couch.

"How's work going John?" He asked formally. 

"It's going well. I'm sure Laf told you about the company expansion." 

"They did." He responded, "they are getting transferred. Are you staying on at headquarters?" 

"Ms. Schuyler offered me a position abroad, but I declined. I think it's best I stay in the city." 

Hercules nodded, "where?" 

"London." John responded, "and what about Laf?" 

"France." He responded. "We are going to be there for at least a year starting in August." 

"What about your work?" John asked.

"Well, my company has a Paris branch, and I requested transfer and it was approved." 

Philip, who had been listening intently since going to France was brought up, "wait is Georges leaving?" 

"We are still discussing options on that Philip." Hercules responded curtly.

"I'm not going." Georges murmured. 

"Georges, your papa really wants you to go, as do I. They want you connected to your French heritage." 

"They could've done that, not my senior year in high school though." 

"They talked to Alex this afternoon, we can finish talking about this at home." 

"Herc, I have to apply to colleges this year, and it's my last high school year! I don't want to move to a different country!" 

"I know, and so do they, but we are still discussing it." 

Georges sighed, glaring at Herc. 

Dinner went about as smoothly as can be expected with Laf being pissed at John. They only made a few snide remarks about him, and silenced after a glare from Alex. 

"It was lovely," Laf concluded as they gathered their things. "See you Friday Alex." 

"Of course." He responded smoothly. "and I'll talk to the family, and let you know." 

"Don't rush on that." 

"I'll see you." He called out before Laf closed the car door. 

Both John and Alex headed back inside. "John, Laf was asking me about something that we should talk about." 

"Okay." John agreed as Alex led them to the table. 

"Lafayette was wondering if we could have Georges stay here while they are in France for his senior year." 

"And what do you think?" John asked. 

"I think that we should. We can put him in the guest room. They offered financial compensation, but unless anything in our job situation changes, that shouldn't be necessary. Are you okay with that?" 

"Of course. I don't see why it would be a problem." 

"Okay, so we're agreed?" 

"Yeah." 

"Aright then." Alex paused, "see you tomorrow for Sunday dinner?" 

John just nodded, annoyed with the abrupt rudeness Alex was showing him. "Yeah, I'm just gonna go tell the kids bye." 

 

When John got home he just looked around and sighed. It still looked mostly barren, and he wasn't used to living alone. After all he's lived with Alex for the last 22 years. He lay down on the stiff couch since he hadn't bothered to get a bed yet. _22_ years. 22 years all thrown away by a stupid mistake. No, not a mistake. Alex was right. You can't call sleeping with someone for months a mistake. It was so much more than just a mistake. He had cheated on Alex. He had ruined the best thing in his life. He had ruined everything good in his life. Not just his marriage, but his relationship with his children, his friendships, and he had hurt the best part of his life. _He hurt Alex._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set the following Friday after the previous chapter.

 

It was raining. Pouring really. It was coming down in sheets. The wind blew harshly along the roof, rattling the window panes and making shrieking noises. It hadn't rains that hard in a long time. The tree branches tapped all around the walls of the house as they were swayed by the wind.

Alex dreamed of the hurricane. The storm that killed the people. That destroyed his home. He dreamt that he was back on the island as the hurricane hit. He saw the bodies and the ruin around him during the eye of it, only to know that it would be back. The eye of the hurricane lasts only a moment, a false beacon of hope amid the storm. Alex always considered it to be the worst part of it. At least during the storm, he had something to focus on, something happening, but in the eye, you can't do anything, and you see the mess, and can't help, because you know it will be back. He shuddered in his sleep moving around as the rain blew impossibly harder.

He woke up with a jolt screaming. A moment later his door burst open and a faceless figure entered.

Alex kept screaming. "Pops?" The person asked, "pops?"

Alex whimpered and backed away until he was against the headboard. He couldn't think. He couldn't focus. And he couldn't tell who was there, or why. He could only remember one thing. "John?" He whispered, "John!" He screamed loudly. "John! John!"

The figure ran out and came back holding a glowing object. He held it up to his face, "dad? It's Philip. Pops woke up. I think he's having a panic attack. He wants you."

"John!" Alex screamed, his voice going hoarse.

"Okay." Philip agreed pausing, "okay." before setting the phone down.

"Pops, it's me. Philip." Philip said trying his best to remain calm, "pops."

Alex squeezed his eyes shut burying it between his knees. "John." He murmured.

"Pops, it's Philip, your son." He repeated, "John will be here soon."

Philip kept trying to comfort Alex, but kept his distance so to avoid scaring him further.

John slipped into the room, quietly opening the door. Philip looked towards him, as John walked closer to Alex. "Philip, head back to bed, he doesn't want you seeing him like this." Philip nodded as he walked back to the still open door, "thank you for calling me."

Alex was still curled in on himself on the bed shaking and sobbing at every thunder. "Alexander?" John asked, slowly moving towards the bed. "Alexander."

"John?" He asked without looking up.

"It's alright. I'm here now." John was right next to the bed, "may I touch you?"

"Yes." Alex whimpered.

John sat on the bed next to Alex who tentatively leaned towards John. A large thunderclap sent Alex practically jumping into John's arms.

"It's okay." John whispered carding his fingers through Alex's hair, "it's okay baby. It's okay."

"It's happening again."

"No baby." John corrected, "the hurricane isn't happening. You're in New York. You're in our home, in bed. With me, I'm John. Can you tell me where you are baby?"

Alex hesitated, he wanted so badly to believe what John was saying, but it was raining so _hard_ , and the thunder was so _loud_. "Our house, with you."

"Good job," John said. His voice cracked slightly, because it hurt, it hurt to hear Alex crying out for him and calling it _their_ house, and at the same time, he knew that in the morning Alex would be pushing him away. "You're doing so well baby. So well. Just breathe with me. One two three."  
  
"I can't. John." Alex let out a broken sob. "I can't do it."

"Yes you can baby, un deux trois. Un deux trois. Un deux trois. Un deux trois."

Alex's breathing began to even out as he curled into John's side. He fell asleep as John continued to count and kiss his forehead while combing through his hair. "I love you. I love you." He repeated over and over.

  
When Alex woke up, he felt John's arms wrapped around his body, and cuddled closer smiling. He fell back asleep as the light streamed in the window.

John woke up as Alex curled himself further into his arms. He felt the spike of pain well inside him as Alex held him closer. He wanted this back. He wanted Alex to love him like this again. But he knew Alex would be pushing him away as soon as he actually woke up. As soon as he remembered what John had done. It hurt too much. John decided he couldn't let himself enjoy the closeness because it would hurt so much more. For Alex as well as for John.

He slowly tried to pull away, replacing his body with pillows and blankets, but Alex woke up again at the movement. "John? Where're you going?"

"Shhh baby girl. Go back to sleep." John whispered, stepping slowly away.

"John? Come back. Please."

John broke at the sadness in Alex's voice. "Of course baby." He climbed back into the bad holding Alex closely. Within a few minutes Alex had fallen back asleep.

John wondered when he last got a good night's sleep, he never was able to sleep past eight, and it was nine thirty now. Around ten, Alex woke up, and smiled at John before a cloudy look crossed his face. He pulled away, and John didn't protest. "Why are you here?"

"You were calling for me. Philip called." John said moving towards the edge of the bed. "I can go."

Alex sighed, "I can't just make you leave. You did show up in the middle of the night for me. You can stay for breakfast. Philip will probably want an explanation anyways."

"If it makes you uncomfortable, I can go." John repeated.

"You can go downstairs. I'll meet you in the kitchen."

Alex ran his hand through his hair after the door shut behind John. He had _called for_ John. He didn't even remember anything from last night. It just felt so nice to wake up next to him again. He had missed the feeling. He had always hated sleeping alone. _Hates_ sleeping alone. Present tense. Hates. But after what John did, he couldn't just go back to how it was. He couldn't just forget. He wanted to, but he couldn't see past it. But it wasn't as if John was asking him to forget, he just wanted a second chance. He did seem genuine about it though. But didn't he also seem genuine when he said he wanted to work past their arguments a month ago? Maybe he had rushed to much on sending John away.

Alex ran his had through his hair again, pulling slightly, and stood up to go downstairs.

John was in the kitchen stirring pancake batter, talking quietly to Frances. She looked slightly confused which let Alex know that John hadn't told her why he was there. He smiled at that, John still respected his wish for privacy about his panic attacks. He always let Alex tell them as much as Alex wanted them to know, and never haf presured him that the kids should know. It was bad enough that Philip had seen him.

Frances walked over to Alex and whispered in his ear, "dad, why is dad here?"

Alex glanced over to John, "I invited him to stay for breakfast."

She nodded, but clearly was not satisfied with the answer, but would probably ask Philip later.

Philip wandered down around ten thirty just as John was finishing the pancakes. He looked surprised to see John was still there, but just shrugged when Frances gave him a questioning look. They sat down and ate quietly, no one wanting to bring up the elephant in the room.

After cleaning up, John picked up his keys and shoes, "I should be going."

Alex hummed in acknowledgement, but adamantly kept his eyes down, not making eye contact. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." John firmly stated, "I'm here for you if you ever need me."

"Good bye John." Alex whispered almost reverently with an air of finality.

"Bye Alex."

 

"Philip," Frances asked from the doorway of his room, "why was dad here this morning?"

"Close the door." Philip responded not looking up. She shut the door and sat on the edge of the bed facing the desk where he sat. "Pops had a panic attack last night and was calling for Dad. I called him, and he showed up. I guess when they woke up, pops asked dad to stay for breakfast."

"He _called for_ him?" Frances asked disbelievingly.

"Yes, he was screaming about the storm." Philip was beginning to become agitated, he knew that Alex wouldn't want her to know if Alex hadn't told her his entire story of how he came to America. "I heard, so I went to check on him, and he started screaming for dad. I grabbed my phone and called him. He was here within ten minutes."

"Do you think dad should have a second chance?" Frances asked suddenly.

Philip tried to answer and move past the abrupt change in conversation topic, "I think in a perfect world, dad could have a second chance, but if it were perfect, he wouldn't have cheated. And if pops can't see past it, then no, I don't think dad should have a second chance. It's pops' choice. Not mine."

"But, while what he did was awful—"

"Which is why pops told him he couldn't do it anymore."

"I know it was bad, but He had been apologizing, and to throw away 19 years—"

"Frances," Philip sighed, "pops is saying 'no more' but it is dad whose actions ended the marriage."

"But, they could work past them." She argued.

"Frances! You can't expect pops to live in an unhappy marriage for you to have two married parents."

"But dad is trying. He really is."

"Look, I know you have always sided with dad for everything, but can you just try not to take sides."

"Excuse me?" She asked.

"Don't play dumb Frances." He frowned at her, "we both know why dad's always favored you, and you've always favored him. And we both know why. We don't need to get into this right now."

"I beg to differ." She snapped, "I know what you're implying, and I don't like the sound of it."

He rolled his eyes, "whatever. We both know who's kids we are, and we know that that has affected our relationships with our fathers. I know you may not quite understand—"

"I'm 16 Philip." She growled, "not a child, I can handle what you're saying, I just don't agree."

"We'll see what you're saying when pops messes up, or I get a little favoritism from him. Everyone knows about subconscious favoritism. It's stronger when one of the kids isn't your own."

At that, Frances stood up, stomped out, and slammed the door behind herself.

"Frances?" Alex asked as he came up the stairs, "are you alright?"

"I'm fine dad." She grumbled before heading to her own room.

He frowned after her for a moment, but decided he would worry about that later. For now, he had to do some thinking.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I can't believe she's been skipping class! If she even knew how lucky she was to be going to such a school. Or any school for that matter!"

One afternoon in late May, John got a call from one of Frances' teachers, saying she'd like to meet with him. He agreed and showed up at the school a little later that afternoon.

When he arrived, Alex was already making friendly small talk with another parent who had been asked there by the teacher. John recognized the parent. He couldn't quite place who he was though, but by any means, John thought the talk was a little too friendly. 

John sat down across the hall from Alex, who barely glanced up. Alex hadn't been talking to him much since the panic attack. He seemed a lot less angry about all the events which had been happening, just a lot more sad. He spoke some at the Sunday night dinners they had had the last two weeks, but mostly let John and the kids carry the conversation. 

"Mr. and Mr. Hamilton-Laurens?" The teacher called from the doorway. 

"Yes?" They both asked standing up. The other parent looked a little surprised when Alex stood up to join John in the room, so clearly—John assumed—that Alex must not have told him that he was married. 

"If you'll please follow me." She said turning to go back to the classroom, Alex glared at John, as they both followed her and proceeded to sit at the chairs facing her desk. So maybe Alex was still angry, just was hiding it at the dinner table in front of the kids. "Alright. Mr. and Mr. Hamilton-Laurens," 

In past Alex wouldn't have minded the hyphenated name although neither had ever taken the other's name, but today he was not pleased, "it's Mr. Hamilton." He pointed to himself, "and Mr. Laurens." He pointed to John.

"Oh," she said, "I'm sorry, it was rude of me to assume. I'm Mrs. Adams by the way, Frances' history teacher. I called you two here to discuss some recent behavioral problems your daughter has picked up." 

Alex nodded furrowing his brow as he thought, "has Frances been acting up?" 

"I'm afraid so." Mrs. Adams nodded gravely. "Her and her girlfriend have been skipping class and not turning in assignments lately." 

"Skipping Class?" Alex asked at the same time John asked, "girlfriend?" 

"Oh, I'm sorry." Mrs. Adams paused uncomfortably pursing her lips, "I didn't know you two were unaware of your daughter's romantic pursuits." 

"Who?" John spluttered. 

"John," Alex warned, tone clipped and short, "it doesn't matter right now. We can ask Frances later. For now," he turned back to Mrs. Adams, "what can we do to help Frances?" 

"Well, first, is there any change in her home life that would cause problems in the household for Frances?" 

"Alexander and I are having some marital problems." John supplied.

"We are working towards divorce." Alex corrected.

"Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Mr. Hamilton and Mr. Laurens. But you do need to help Frances. Make sure she is going to class, doing her homework, and watch her grades." 

"We will do all of that." Alex assured, "and if this behavior keeps up, please let us know so we can take care of it." 

"Of course." She agreed standing up, "with the year so close to the end, I would hate to see her grades drop, but if she can make an effort, I can definitely help her as well." 

"Thank you so much Mrs. Adams." Alex responded. 

"Well, thank you for coming here on such short notice today." 

"Thank you for having us." Alex replied. 

They walked towards the parking lot together. It was raining. Pouring actually. "Alex, where's your car?" John asked. 

"I walked here." He replied nonchalantly.

"Alex your office is two miles away!" John exclaimed. 

"So?" 

"You can't walk back there. It's pouring can and its two miles away. Let me drive you." 

"I can walk back there, without your help, thank you very much. Anyways, Why would you care?" Alex snapped. 

"Because I still love you. And care about you." John said. And that hurt so much. Alex's inability to say it back hurt so much. "Just please let me drive you back to your office, then we can both go home and talk to Frances about this." 

"Fine." Alex grumbled climbing in the car and slamming the door. "I can't believe she's been skipping class. If she even knew how lucky she was to be getting to go to such a school. Or school at all for that matter!" 

"I can't believe she's dating someone and didn't tell us." John responded starting the car and turning on the heat so they could dry off. 

"You're one to talk." 

"Excuse me?" 

"John you had an affair for months." Alex deadpanned, "where do you think she gets the lying from?" 

"You do not get to blame this on me." 

"You don't get to tell me what I do and don't get to do. You lost that right." Alex fought back tears, "now let's just go to the house and talk to Frances calmly about this. You can stay in the guest room and drop me off at work in the morning." 

John nodded, "she's not getting away with this." 

"John you have to realize this isn't completely her fault. We are also to blame here." 

"She made the decisions." 

"And we haven't been good role models for her in the last couple months." 

"Why do you keep saying we?" 

"What?" 

"The royal 'we'. We both know it was my fault. I'm to blame, so why aren't you yelling at me? Why are you being understanding? Why don't you just tell me you're angry?" 

"Because I'm not _you_ John." Alex seethed, "because I was taught to deal with anger in a productive way. Because I want so badly to understand why you hurt me like that. Because I _still_ love you. And I hate that! I hate that you could move on so easily, and didn't even care, but I'm just stuck here watching you be held back by me. You moved on a long time ago, and I wish I could." 

"Alex," John said reaching to hold Alex's hand.

"No!" Alex yelped pulling his hand away harshly. "You don't get it do you? You don't know what you're doing to me? It hurts John! It _hurts_! It fucking hurts that you did that. That you—that you moved on. That you were with another man. But you can't just touch me and expect it to go away. It doesn't. I can't forget. Not this time." 

"I'm sorry." He said, but kept his hands in his lap. They still hadn't left the parking lot, instead just sitting there in the rain. "Alex I didn't move on though. I didn't stop loving you. I still love you. I always will." 

"John you slept with another man. For months. Why wasn't I enough? Why wasn't our family enough?" 

"Alex, you were. You are." 

"Then why weren't you satisfied?" 

"I—Alex please—I'm sorry." 

"You can't even answer that." Alex sobbed, "I asked you _one_ thing and you can't even fucking answer it." 

"I'm so sorry. Please forgive me." John begged yearning to reach out and touch him, and comfort him, but knowing that he couldn't. Alex had told him not to. 

"You think I can forgive you! John, I look at you and can only see what you did! I look at you and see your face kissing Thomas Pinckney. You don't even know the half of it. I think about those months where I thought I must be doing something wrong, because there is no possible way he could lose interest in me that fast. Those months were the kids had to deal with our fighting! Those months where I thought you didn't love me." 

"I do love you. I do. Please believe me." 

"You lost that claim John."

"Please one more chance. You promised you would give me as many chances as I needed. That you wouldn't turn on me. No matter what." 

"Yes, and on that same day you promised to stay loyal to me, to never love another man so long as we both shall live." 

"I never loved him. Only you." John cried, "I thought of you constantly." 

"Yes, and I thought of you every late night you didn't make it home, every business trip, every time you overstepped your boundaries." 

"Alex please. Please. We could start over. We could be like when we first started." 

"Then what?" Alex yelled, "a few years later we cycle back? We have good time together and then you give that up to go off with someone younger, prettier, better?" 

"Alex please, you're all I could ever ask for. I won't do it again." 

"Old habits die hard." Alex scoffed. 

"One more try? For us. For me. For our family. Our marriage. _For the kids._ " 

"John—" 

"Alex, please, neither of us have been happy this last month." Alex bit his lip thinking, "when was the last time you slept well?" 

"You're not getting back into my bed just because you are feigning concern!"

"I'm not pretending Alex. Please." 

Alex paused biting his lip. And for a moment John believed he might say yes. John believed that it might be okay. He believed that maybe things would work themselves out and that Alex could see past him.

But Alex just turned away facing forward. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before just calmly saying, "Just drive, John." 

"Alexander—" 

"Drive." He yelled. 

"Alex please." 

"No! I'm done with this. You don't get to change my mind. We're going home, or you can drop me off at my office. And if you don't start driving, I'm going to walk." 

John silently turned the keys and pulled out of the parking spot. The tears slid down his face. The truth of what was happening hit him with painfully full force. He never realized that it was actually over. He always had that hope left, the hope that Alex could change his mind. But the truth hit him so hard. He was getting divorced. His marriage was over. Nothing in his life had ever hurt so much. He had messed up so badly, that not even Alex, his husband, the love of his life, his Alexander, wanted anything more to do with him. _He was getting divorced._


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well, speak of the devil." 
> 
> "Laf," Herc said softly.
> 
> "Sorry, let me rephrase, there is John."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any innaccuracies, I have never been divorced, married, or cheated on, and so I don't really know what it is like. So I did my best.

A month into the summer, there was a meeting for rising Senior parents to talk about college applications and other senior activities. Both John and Alex were attending, as well as Hercules and Lafayette. 

Alex arrived after work, and quickly found the pair and sat down next to Herc and Laf. "Hey." He said quietly. 

_"Late_." Laf said with a grin, "as per usual." 

"I was finishing up the court summary for the case I'm working on." Alex rolled his eyes. "Not the kind of thing you can just skip out early on." 

"You would say that no matter what you were doing before you arrived that made you late." Laf pointed out. 

"My work is important," Alex argued.

"No one is saying it isn't mon ami." 

"If I didn't take these cases, no one would." 

"I know, and it is imperative that the people be helped." They assured him, patting his thigh, "trust me, I know." 

Alex glanced up and saw John from across the room looking for a place to sit. They made eye contact briefly and John walked over, since parents were supposed to sit together for organizational purposes. 

"Well, speak of the devil." Lafayette frowned when they saw who Alex was looking at. 

"Laf," Herc said nudging them slightly. After Alex had tried to get Lafayette to stop with the harshness, Herc had taken it upon himself to make sure they kept their opinions on John quiet.

They rolled their eyes, "sorry, let me rephrase. There is John." 

Hercules gave them a small glare as he tried to repress his smirk at their stubbornness. 

"Hi." John murmured when he sat down. 

Alex nodded in acknowledgement, but said nothing. Laf just gave John an impassive glance, but remained silent. Hercules tried to smile slightly at him. After a moment, John pulled out his phone, "it should start soon." 

"Yeah." Alex agreed. 

A man turned around from the seat in front of Alex, "excuse me?" He asked.

"Yes?" Alex asked with a hint of a smirk on his tone. 

"Um, sorry I'm interrupting." The man started in a slightly flirtatious tone. 

Alex continued the flirting, "no, you weren't interrupting _anything_." John glanced up at that and saw the man's face and immediately looked back to his phone, face flushed. 

He smiled slightly, "I am new to this school, my name is Thomas Paine, my son Benjamin is going to be a senior, and I was just wandering if you could answer a question of two about the curriculum?" 

"Of course." Alex said grinning now, almost flirtatiously. "My son is a senior, and my daughter is a junior, so I should be able to answer any questions." 

"Oh, you have a junior too?" Alex nodded, "my son Louis is a junior. And I also have Thomas, a freshman. Have you lived in New York City long?" 

"All of my adult life." Alex replied nonchalantly not questioning the quick change of topic. "How about you?" 

"Originally from England, but I moved to America at a young age." 

"And where'd you attend college?" 

"Thetford. It's a small place, you've probably never heard of it. And you?" 

"Columbia undergrad, Princeton law school." 

"Wow, that's quite the impressive line of schools. Where do you work?" 

"I work for George Washington's law firm. I'm a defense lawyer." 

"Wait, as in where Alexander Hamilton works?" The man asked. 

"Yes actually, I _am_ Alexander Hamilton." 

"Wow," the man murmured, "I'd only read about you in the newspaper." Alex's smile faltered slightly as he thought about the last time his name was mentioned in a large scale press release, "your defense on the Weeks case, was amazing. My son wants to be a lawyer and he looks up to you so much." 

"Aw, that's adorable." Alex grinned. "I'm just glad that your son would take interest in cases like my own, because many people ignore civil rights cases, in favor of 'more interesting' ones." 

They continued to talk for a few minutes, until the speaker at the front of the room cleared her throat, "here." Thomas whispered slipping a piece of paper with his phone number into Alex's hand. 

Alex grinned, "thanks." 

He glanced to John who was doing his best not to glare intensely at the speaker but failing miserably. Even Laf and Herc looked slightly unimpressed at Alex's performance and Laf gave Alex a slightly cold glare. "Mon ami, I know none of us like John at the moment, but hurting him will solve nothing." They whispered. Alex resolutely looked forward ignoring them, "you are such a child." They faced forward when he continued to ignore them and began to listen to the meeting. 

The speaker at the front of the room just droned on and on about one thing or another related to the importance of senior year for these students. When she finished, John quickly stood to leave. "John." Alex called. 

He turned slowly, taking a deep breath, "yes Alex?" He barely managed to keep his tone even. 

"Will I be seeing you tomorrow for Sunday dinner?" 

"Of course." John responded, before turning and quickly leaving the building. 

"Alexander," Laf drawled from behind him, "did you really have to do _that_?" 

"I didn't _do_ anything." Alex defended. 

"You and I both know that the Thomas Paine thing isn't going anywhere and you were doing that solely just to spite him." 

"So what if I was?" Alex snapped, "I mean, considering other men two months after we stop being together isn't that weird. He shouldn't be upset, he was sleeping with someone when we were together." 

"I know chérie, I'm just saying that maybe you two should talk about seeing other people before you do." Laf suggested. "Communication is important, especially in split custody cases." 

Alex sighed, "you're right. That was awful, wasn't it?" 

"Pretty bad man." Hercules agreed, "he looked really upset." 

"I'll call him. We probably should talk anyway." 

 

"You wanted to talk?" John asked sitting on the couch with an air of disinterest. In reality, he was miserable, he knew what Alex was going to say, and he hated it. He had never really thought that seeing other people would be a problem. Or at the very least not something he had to worry about so quickly. There was a lot he hadn't really considered going into this. 

"I wanted to talk about the other night—" 

"Yeah, thanks for telling me beforehand." John grumbled. 

"It's not like I did anything." 

"You were flirting with him, you may as well have just planned your first date." 

"Stop getting so upset about this. This is why we are talking about it." 

"Stop getting upset? Alex, you're moving on to other people, and I can't be upset about it?" John asked through his quickly tearing up eyes. "We've been married for nineteen years, and I can't be upset?" 

"No!" 

"No?" John asked incredulously.

"No, you have no right to be jealous. We are not together!" 

"We've barely started filing the divorce papers." John argued.

"We haven't slept in the same bed for almost two months, and I see you only once a week." 

"Look, I know what I did was awful, and I hate myself for it, I hate that I ruined our marriage. And I especially hate that I hurt you. But I know all that, you don't have to purposefully hurt me like this." 

" _God dammit Joh_!" Alex exclaimed. "You think this is all about you don't you? Yes, maybe when he did start talking to me, I was aware of your presence and flirted a little. But that's not what this is about John! It's not about you! It's not even about him! I don't care about seeing him. It's about seeing other people in general. It's about moving on. We aren't together, and both of us can and should move on." 

"So you're telling me that you're ready to see other people?" John questioned, "and that if I got a new boyfriend, you'd have no qualms with him?" 

"I mean, I was pretty reasonable the first time I found out you had a new boyfriend." Alex snapped. 

"I wouldn't say divorcing me immediately was overly reasonable." 

"What the hell did you expect? What the hell would you have done? Remember how angry you were when I was kissing that woman in the bar, imagine if you found out I had been sleeping with someone for months on the side. You can't honestly tell me you wouldn't divorce me if I cheated on you. God John, you're so possessive that you were practically _seething_ at that man." 

"You always liked that I cared enough to not want others—" 

"Yes, when we were together, it was cute. Endearing even. But we're not, and at this point, it's rude." 

"Rude? To care about who your sleeping with?" 

"I wasn't sleeping with him!" Alex yelled, "I fucking flirted for about five minutes." 

"He was a sleaze. He was wearing a wedding ring." 

"As was I." Alex argued, "in case you've forgotten." 

"And it's sleazy to go for someone with a wedding ring." John finished. 

"Oh, I see, we're no longer insulting that man. We're insulting me now? I'm a sleaze because I was flirting with a married man?" 

"No, because you were flirting in front of your husband." 

"We're not together." Alex growled, "and even if we were, it's not like you had any problem being with someone else." 

"Look, I know what I did was awful, but can we have a conversation, please, in which we don't bring that up every two sentences?" 

"It's kind of a big reason for my actions which you seem to forget." 

"I know." John repeated, "I just wish it hadn't come to this. I wish it could be different." 

"I do too." Alex agreed, his voice a mixture between sadness and anger. "I wish none of this had ever happened, but it did. This is life now. We have to deal with it." 

"I just wish, I wish I could start over. I would never hurt you again." 

"I want to believe you John." Alex said sadly. "I want so badly to be able to believe you. I wish that I could see you the same way." 

"I wouldn't ever hurt you. I would spend every living moment trying to repair the damage I've caused. On us, on you, on the kids. I would never hurt you again." 

Alex closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, he looked directly into John's eyes. "okay." 

"What?" 

"Okay." He repeated, "I can almost believe you, and maybe one day I'll be able to believe you, but for now, this is enough. Okay." 

"Do you mean?" 

"Yes," Alex nodded then he repeated himself louder this time. "Yes I mean it." 

"Thank you so much Alex, thank you. I won't mess it up. I promise. I won't. Thank you." Alex just smiled at him, "can I—can I kiss you?" 

"Yes." Alex said leaning forward towards John, who wrapped his arms around his waist. They kissed chastely for a moment before Alex pulled back, "we have to talk about this. And tell the kids. And we should probably tell Laf and Herc." 

"Yeah," John agreed pressing their foreheads together, "we can tell the kids this evening. At our Sunday dinner?" 

"You can come back." 

"Home?" 

"Yes, you can come home." 

John kissed him again. "Thank you. I love you." 

"I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It might be a while before my next update, so sorry about that.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Kids, your father and I have something we wanted to talk to you about."

"Kids, your father and I have something we wanted to talk to you about." Alex started as he wrung his hands at the dinner table. Dinner had been cleared off, and they had been waiting a few minutes because Alex clearly wanted to say something. 

"Is something wrong pops?" Philip asked nervously. Alex usually tried to contain his nervousness in front of him, and when it showed, Philip always was concerned. 

John wanted to say something, but they had agreed that Alex would do the talking, and he didn't want to upset Alex so he just waited. "No, nothing's wrong." Alex said after a pregnant pause. "Your father and I have given this a lot of thought. But of course, if you can't support us, we understand." 

"Pops?" Philip asked.

"We are giving our marriage another try." Alex finished quickly. He reached his hand out for John's, who quickly obliged him, squeezing his hand comfortingly. "Can you—can you support us?" 

Philip paused trying to hide the look of strong distaste on his face. "Of course pops. I said from the beginning that I would support you no matter what." 

John stiffened slightly at Philip's deliberate ignoring of him, and Alex noticed squeezing his hand slightly. "Frances?" Alex asked. 

"Of course. I'm glad you two decided to try to work it out." 

"Thank you." John said, "for another try for our family. I don't want this to just be a try again for Alex. I want it to be a try for our family. I want us to be a family again." 

Philip just nodded, still slightly glaring at John. 

"Well, I have some work to finish up," Alex announced standing up, "I'll be in the room." He said glancing to John. 

Philip stood to leave after Alex had left the room, "Philip." John called out.

"Yes?" He asked with a twinge of anger in his voice. 

"Will you take a walk with me?" John asked, "I'd like to talk to you." 

Philip sighed, "sure dad." 

They both grabbed their shoes. "I'll be right back." John said heading towards the stairs. Philip nodded. 

John entered the room but stayed in the door way, "Alexander, I'm going out for a walk with Philip. I'll be back later." 

"Okay, what's Frances up to?" 

"She was going to catch up on the book she was reading." 

"Okay, have fun." 

"You too." John called before shutting the door quietly. 

Philip was waiting by the door when he came downstairs. When they got outside, they walked in silence for a bit, "you wanted to talk?" Philip asked kicking a pebble with the toe of his shoe. 

"Look, I know you've been mad at me these last few months, but I am trying, and I want you to know that I don't intend to hurt him again." 

"Sure dad." Philip scoffed. 

"I'm sorry for what I did." John said sadly, "and I'm sorry I've hurt you and Frances, and especially Alex, but I really am trying to make up for it." 

Philip didn't say anything for a while, just kept walking. "You don't deserve him." He said after a few minutes. 

"I know." John agreed.

"He deserves much better. Someone who would never cheat on him. Someone who wouldn't need a second chance to not hurt him." Sneered Philip. "Someone who you could never be no matter how hard you tried."

"I know. He deserves everything. And I want to be able to give it to him. And I know I don't deserve him, I never have, and now I never will. And I also know that I don't deserve to have two perfect kids either." 

Philip glared at him, "you don't get to play the 'I'm your father' card on me." 

"You probably hate me, and I get that, just please don't give up on me. Staying with your parents is very important." 

"Yeah, you really took that one to heart didn't you?" Philip snapped.

"Philip, my father and my relationship with him was a very different situation. And I do realize that I pushed him away too hard, which is why I'm trying to make amends." 

"With him or with me?" 

"Both, I want to be a father again to both you and Frances. But I also know that I want to give my father a second chance." John explained.

"You just decided that maybe he wasn't so bad once you became a cheater because you understood your father better. You realized that you're just like him. Didn't you?" 

"Philip, I am not like my father—" 

"Well you have the one thing in common with him. And since you just so easily cut him out for years, that's all I know about him." Philip seethed. 

"I didn't cut _him_ out for years Philip." John corrected, "he cut me out. He kicked me out once I came out to him, he wouldn't let me even see my siblings, and I am trying to forgive him because I value family, and I know he's been awful to me, but I can try to not be awful to him." 

Philip gave him a scathing look up and down while trying to digest the new information, "let's go home." 

John nodded and followed Philip as he led them through a different route home. "If you mess this up again, it will hurt him so much, and I won't be nearly as nice about it." 

"I don't intend to—" 

"No one ever intends to." Philip snapped. 

"I won't mess it up." 

"That's what you're saying now." Philip said ducking under a tree branch, "what about when you two fight. He won't hold it over your head like you would." 

"Philip I know you're not happy with me right now, but please try not to hate me. I don't want our relationship to be like this." 

"Maybe you shouldn't have cheated on pops then." Philip said spinning around to face him, and in that moment he looked just like Alex. An angrier, younger version of Alex. 

John stepped back momentarily before regaining his composure. "Philip, if you want to see someone about this—" 

"What the hell are you talking about?" Philip snapped at him, "we aren't talking about me, we're talking about you and pops." 

"That's why I'm concerned Philip." John paused, "you haven't once said anything about what you're feeling, and I'm concerned. I didn't just cheat on Alex. I cheated on the family, and if you can't accept my apology, maybe it's best that I don't come back home. I don't want to harm your relationship with Alex." 

"You can't seriously be quitting that easily!" Philip quipped. 

"I'm not quitting, but Alex and I did agree that if you and Frances couldn't support us in this, that we wouldn't." 

"You would honestly give up your second chance if I asked you to?" Philip asked incredulously.

"Of course." John said, "I would be upset about it, and I would feel absolutely broken, but you always come first. To both of us." 

"You should stay. You make him happy." Philip frowned, "he may deserve better, but he did accept you."

"I'm sorry that I don't make you happy Philip. I truly am." 

"Yeah well, that doesn't matter." Philip said shoving his hands in his pockets where they were waiting to go in the house. 

"It does matter, and I don't want you to feel this way." 

Philip nodded, "let's just go inside for now. Okay?" 

"Okay," John agreed. "I'll see you later Philip." 

Philip nodded before heading to his bedroom. 

John headed to his and Alex's bedroom, where Alex was still working at the desk. "Hey dear." 

"One second." Alex called out. After about ten minutes, Alex stopped typing and shut his laptop to look at John, "what's up?" 

"We should probably talk a little." 

"Yeah." Alex stood up and walked to the chairs where John sat. 

"So we need to tell Laf and Herc." 

"Yeah," Alex murmured, "they'll be thrilled." He rolled his eyes. 

"Laf still hates me, don't they?" 

"They're very angry at you, and have made that plenty clear, but they still care about you. They were the one who convinced me that I needed to talk to you after my 'performance' the other day. And that ended up being a good decision." 

"What do you want to do for now?" John asked.

"What do you mean?" 

"Well, you said I could come home. Most of my stuff is still at the apartment, and I understand you not wanting me in bed with you immediately." 

"Are you saying you don't want to come home?" Alex asked nervously. 

"I do." John assured, "I'm just—I guess what I'm trying to ask is if you want me to stay in the guest room or in here with you?" 

"I don't know. I hadn't really considered it." Alex admitted. "How much time is left on your apartment?" 

"I've been paying week to week, I can be moved out by the end of the week." 

He considered for a moment, "Stay in here." Alex decided. "I want you in here." 

"Of course." John agreed, "anything." 

"That doesn't mean I want to have sex with you." Alex added. "Are we clear?"

"I wouldn't expect you to." 

"Good." Alex whispered. "We'll tell Herc and Laf on Friday. We have dinner planned with them." 

"We do?" 

"Well, originally you weren't invited, I'll just tell them to plan for four." 

When it became clear that Alex wasn't going to add something, John began to transition the conversation, "Honey," 

"Yeah John?" 

"I'm worried about Philip." 

"What's wrong with him?" Alex questioned, "is he okay?" 

"He's fine. It's just, when I was talking to him, about this earlier, he was deflecting everything about him. He was only focused on you, and I can tell he's upset about us getting back together, but he won't admit it, because he is refusing to acknowledge that it's affecting him too." 

"Upset as in—" 

"No, when I asked him, if he'd rather us not be together, he said that's not what he wanted, but was shocked that we would do that for him." 

"He's always been like this, using deferral as a coping mechanism." 

"But is it healthy?" 

"He'll be fine." Alex shrugged, "but maybe we should have him see someone." 

"Only if he is willing. We can't force him into it." John amended, "my parents did that, and it didn't work well." 

"Well, that was a different situation, this isn't because we are trying to change him, just make sure he is okay." 

"Yes, but we should make sure he is on board with the idea before we put it into action." John argued. 

"You're probably right." Alex conceded glancing down at his hands and biting his lip, "I'll talk to him." 

"Okay." 

"And your father?" Alex asked suddenly.

"What about him?" 

"The trip for the kids is still planned. Are you planning on going?" 

"He was okay when I went, but I will only go if you are completely okay with it. And I don't expect you to be." 

"You can go."

"Really?" 

"If he really has changed, and the kids will be with you. You won't be doing anything. If you still want to?" 

"I do." John agreed, "are you sure you're okay with this?" 

"I'm sure." It wasn't quite a leap of trust Alex was ready to take, but he wanted to to prove to himself that John wouldn't hurt him again. He had to do it, he _had to _trust John again. It didn't matter if he wasn't ready yet, he just wanted everything to go back to normal again. He wanted his marriage back.__

__"Are you ready for bed dear?" John asked trying to refocus Alex's attention._ _

__"Sorry what?" Alex blinked trying to remember what John was saying._ _

__"Are you ready for bed?" John repeated softly._ _

__"Sure." He agreed, "I'm gonna go get dressed first." John nodded and went to grab his own pajamas as well._ _

__Once they were both dressed, they climbed into bed. John just waited silently for Alex to make some sort of decision. "You can touch me you know." Alex mumbled after a few minutes of waiting, "I won't break."_ _

__"I know, I just, didn't know if you wanted me to."_ _

__"Why else would I ask you to stay here?"_ _

__"I don't know." John answered, "I just—may I?"_ _

__"Yes." Alex grumbled, "that's what I was trying to say."_ _

__"Alex, if you don't want me in here—"_ _

__"I said I wanted you in here!" Alex yelled, "I just don't know what you expected."_ _

__"I expected you to not want me touching you, you haven't exactly wanted me to in these past few months."_ _

__"I know, but when I told you to stay here I figured—"_ _

__"Wait," John paused for Alex to stop talking, "let's not fight about this. Can we just start over?"_ _

__"Okay." Alex grumbled. He leaned over to John and kissed him, gently at first. Then he became more rough, using his teeth to bite into John's lower lip, he pulled himself onto a straddling position over John._ _

__"Alex," John murmured, but Alex didn't listen, instead just kissed down his jaw, "Alex," Alex bit harshly on the juncture of John's neck, "Alex!" He pulled away slightly and Alex finally got the hint and pulled back._ _

__"What?" Alex snapped._ _

__"I'm not having sex with you right now Alex." John said softly, Alex pouted and moved off his lap, "I thought we agreed on that."_ _

"I don't _want_ to have sex with you." Alex admitted, "but I also don't want _him_ to be the last person who slept with you. And I don't get why you were so willing to have sex with him, but won't sleep with me. What am I doing wrong?" 

__"Nothing dear." John wiped Alex's tear off of his face. He smiled sadly when Alex didn't flinch away, "I'm sorry that I made you think that way, but you didn't do anything wrong. I don't not want to have sex with you because you aren't perfect in every way. It's because this isn't how either of us agreed that we would rekindle this relationship. We need to reconnect emotionally first, then we can talk about sex."_ _

__"I don't want you visiting your father again." Alex admitted after a heavy moment of silence._ _

__"Okay. I won't then." Alex frowned raising a skeptical eyebrow, "I said I would only go if you fully supported it, and I meant it. I won't go."_ _

__"I don't get it, you seem to be doing everything right, but I know the moment I let my guard down, you'll be there breaking my heart."_ _

__"I won't. I promise."_ _

__"You can't promise that John." Alex whispered, "your promises mean nothing. How many have you broken that ended with me hurting."_ _

__"What do you want me to do?" John asked, "if it takes actions, if it takes words, anything, what do you need me to do?"_ _

__"I need you to give me space and also be there for me. I'm going to have moments when I'm thrilled that we are doing this, but there will be moments when I will regret it so much. And I need you to be in here for me without fighting me every step of the way."_ _

__"Okay." John agreed, "I'll try my best to do all of that, and if I mess up, please tell me. Can you do that?"_ _

__"I can try."_ _

__"That's all I'm asking."_ _


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so for ages, Herc and John are approximately the same age, (43) Laf started schooling in France so started earlier and is almost a year younger than Herc and John (42). Alex skipped a couple years in his schooling growing up, and so is about two years younger than Herc and John(41).

As Alex knocked on the door, John stood uncomfortably next to him. He had been nervous about this since they had planned the meeting to tell Laf and Herc, after all neither were too fond of him at the time being. Likely for the foreseeable future, and for a long time as well.

Hercules answered quickly and smiled at Alex warmly before noticing John. His smile faltered and his eyes took a hard tone to them. "Alex, I see you brought John with you." He spoke loud enough to be sure that Laf had enough of a warning so they didn't act quite so rude or surprised. 

"Yes," Alex nodded, "um actually," 

Lafayette entered the living room effectively cutting Alex off and raising their eyebrows at John, "oh, Alexander!" They exclaimed, "and I see John is with you." They glared at him harshly, "is there a reason, or—" 

"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about Laf." Alex cut in, "and Herc of course." 

"Should we be sitting down?" Lafayette asked while trying to keep their voice from showing any annoyance towards John. 

"We can if you'd like." Alex agreed. 

Laf lead them over to the living room where they all took a seat on the couch. When Alex didn't say anything Lafayette prompted, "you wanted to tell us something?" 

"Um," Alex started, "you might have been able to guess, but in case you couldn't, John and I want to get back together, so we're trying, and we really want you two to be able to support that." 

"Well, you know I can always support you Alexander, mon cher, but _him?_ " Lafayette exclaimed, "are you seriously doing this?" 

Alex's eyes hardened slightly and his lips became pursed, "yes, we've given this a lot of thought, and as much as I appreciate your disdain, I would hope you could see past it and support us." 

"Alex—" they started again.

"Laf," Hercules warned setting his hand on their thigh. 

"Hercules! To just sit by and let Alex—" 

"Laf, I hate to interrupt," Alex frowned at them, "but this isn't exactly yours or Hercules' decision to make." 

They pursed their lips, but didn't make any move to apologize. Hercules sighed and began to talk, "sorry Alex. Of course we will support you." He paused, "both of you." 

"Alex, can I talk to you?" Lafayette asked finally after they had regained some composure. 

"Sure Laf." Alex answered standing to follow them to the bedroom. 

"Why are you doing this?" They questioned as soon as the door was closed. 

"Excuse me?" 

"What happened?"

"We talked, and after a lot of thought, we realized that neither of us wanted a divorce and that we should work through it." 

"Alex honey, he cheated on you." They deadpanned.

"You don't think I know that? I know. I know he cheated. And I'm trying not to think about that." 

"That isn't healthy Alex." Lafayette argued, "you can't just try to forget, and be in denial about it." 

"But I'm trying to forgive him." 

"Can you honestly say that you are ready to forgive him?" 

Alex looked down at his hands, "no." He whispered, "but that doesn't matter, I want him back." 

"It does matter." 

"No it doesn't. He's still the same person I married, isn't he? He still loves me." 

"But Alexander, you don't know if he has even changed." 

"He has changed," 

"Has he?" They questioned, "is this what you want? To have to live knowing that he did this?" 

"I want John!" He practically yelled, "and if I have to make sacrifices to keep him, then I will. You can't honestly tell me that if Herc cheated that you wouldn't try to stick it out for him." 

"No I can't." They agreed, "but I like to think that he wouldn't do that." 

"And I liked to think that John wouldn't either." 

"But he did Alex, he did, and it seems like _you're_ paying for it much more than he is. What has he even done for you? Has he done anything to prove that it _was_ just a one time mistake? Anything to prove that his undying love for you is true? Anything to show you that he is changing?" 

"He was at the house the moment I had a panic attack and needed him." Alex murmured, "he is there for me. He hasn't pushed. When I told him not to take the kids to his father's, he listened." 

"Those are all things he should've been doing already." They said softly sitting next to him, "honey, does he love you?" 

"Of course he loves me." He whispered, "he has always loved me. He would never stop loving me. He loves me. He does." 

"Alex—" 

"He loves me. All he did was make a mistake. Jesus Christ, it was just a mistake. Just a mistake. He still loves me." 

"Alexander." They cut off his endless mantra, "he cheated on you—" 

"No, you don't get to remind me. I _know_. Trust me, I _know_ But you don't get to remind me." Alex raised his voice, "communication and talking to him was your idea. You _told me_ to talk to him." 

"I told you to talk to him about seeing other people, I didn't tell you to accept him back or to give him a second chance." 

"But it's not that I'm giving him a second chance. Yes, he does want it, but so do I. I'm doing it because I want to. I want a husband." 

"But John can't give that to you. He tried and didn't succeed. And you may want a husband, but in the long run, are you going to be happy?" 

Alex's tears began to spill from his misty eyes, "I want him to. I want to be happy again. I just want—" a sob escaped him, "I want it to go back to how it used to be." 

"That's not going to happen sweetie." They kissed his temple, "you can try, but unless you can honestly say that you can at least work towards trusting him and forgiving him, it isn't going to go back to how it used to be. Do you think that you can do that?" 

"I want to." 

"But can you?" They repeated. 

"I don't know." He admitted softly. 

"Before you and John continue on, you should probably do some thinking about what you can do, and what you want for you. Because it will be much more painful if you find out in a month, or in two months that this won't work." 

"I can't do that." 

"What can't you do?" They asked.

"I can't give him up again. I've been miserable these last two months. I can't give him up again." 

"But is it worth it?" 

"He's always worth it." 

Lafayette broke at the sad sound of Alex's voice, "honey, is this marriage worth what you have to give up for it to work?" 

"I think so." 

"Just talk to John darling." 

Alex nodded into their side, "I love him. And I just want him to be mine again. He used to be mine, and now I just feel like he hasn't been mine. He was someone else's. He let someone else touch him, and hold him, and he was with someone else." 

"I'm sure he didn't ever love the other man." 

"He keeps saying that." Alex sobbed out, "but how can I know, he promised me Laf, he promised." 

"Laf?" Herc called out knocking on the door. 

"Yes chérie?" They called back. "Is everything alright?" 

He chuckled a little from the other side of the door. "We were just wondering the same thing from out here. Is Alexander alright?" 

"I'm okay." Alex called out, voice only a little shaky. "We'll be out in a few minutes." 

"Okay." Hercules said before footsteps could be heard retreating back to the living room. 

"Are you ready to go back Alex?" Laf asked. "You don't have to." 

"One minute." 

"If you don't want to, we can wait." They softly stroked his hair pulling it away from his face.

Alex wiped the tears off his face, "I'm fine. I can go back." 

"Alex, you're not fine." 

"I'm fine." He argued.

They sighed looking at his face. He had clearly been crying and it was visible through his puffy red eyes, and his flushed face. "Okay, I believe you. But they won't think so, so let's make you look a little better. Okay?" 

Alex nodded, "I'm fine." He whispered.

"I know." They assured, "you're fine." They grabbed a washcloth and wiped his face all the while assuring Alex that he was fine, "now they'll probably ask, but you don't have to tell them anything Alex. Okay?" 

"I know." He agreed. 

"Okay, are you ready?" 

Alex didn't answer, instead just walked towards the door. 

John and Hercules were sitting on the couch, but both stood up when Alex emerged from the bedroom. "Alex?" John asked nervously, "are you—" he cleared his throat, "are you alright?" 

"I'm fine." Alex murmured glancing down to his hands. 

"Alex—" John started, but was cut off by Alex.

"I said, I'm fine." Alex repeated firmly, finally looking up and staring sharply into John's eyes. 

"Okay." John whispered barely audible.

"Well, I'll go get dinner ready," Hercules volunteered, "Laf?" 

"I'll help." They followed him to the kitchen, leaving Alex and John in the living room. 

"Alex?" John asked again much more nervously. 

"I'm fine John. They just wanted to talk to me." 

"If you want to talk—" 

"You'll be there." He sighed running a hand through his hair, "I know." 

"Alex?" John asked, "are we—us as a couple—are we alright?" 

"I don't know." Alex whispered. "I want us to be. God I want this to work, but I just don't know." 

"I there anything I can do to help? Anything that will make this easier?" 

"We just need to make memories together again. I don't want the last few months to be my most recent memories of you. I want it to be how it used to be. I just want us to be _us_ again." 

"I think I can do that." 

"And it can't just be forced, we have to actually be reconnecting and loving each other again." 

"Okay." John sat uneasily on the couch and neither said anything until Laf came back and called them for dinner. 

They both made their way back to the table and began to eat, "so," Laf began, "is Philip excited about senior year?" 

"He's excited, yes." Alex responded, "but a bit nervous for college decisions and such." 

"Ah, so is Georges. I think he is a bit worried about his relationship with Philip ending due to college." 

"I'm sure they will figure it out, I mean both of them seem very happy together." Alex said shrugging, "I still can't believe our sons are dating some of the time." 

"I know," they agreed rolling their eyes, "it's a bit weird though," they mused grinning a little, "you know considering I dated both of you for a little while in college." 

Alex laughed and smiled for the first time since the meal had begun, "God, Philip would be so annoyed to hear that. And I can't imagine Georges being thrilled." 

"Oh, he knows that I dated John, and _hates_ even just the idea of that." They grinned wickedly. 

" _I_ still find it weird that you and John dated in college." Alex giggled, "but Philip—he hates to hear about either of our past exes—to hear about us dating his boyfriend's parent? He would be pissed!" 

"Has everyone in this group dated except for me?" Herc teased. 

"Yeah," Laf smiled, turning to face him, "you just get to be mine sweetie." They kissed his cheek lightly. 

"Oh please," Alex laughed, "enough with the cuteness, you guys have been together for what? 10 years?" 

"We're coming up on our eleventh anniversary." They grinned, "and please, you two were the worst about publicly being cutsy and relationshipy! Always kissing and cuddling into the couch," they laughed unaware of the shift in mood of Alex and John's faces, "and never stopping with the cute names." 

"Laf," Herc murmured into their ear. 

They glanced up to see Alex's face had changed into a sort of sad and wistful expression, and John had a similar look to his face as well. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—" 

"It's fine, we don't have to not talk about all the happy times John and I have had just because we are going through a rough patch in our marriage, right John?" Alex's voice stayed level until the last two words. 

"Of course honey." John gave his hand to Alexander to help calm the smaller man. "If you want to talk about something else, we can." 

Alex just nodded silently for a moment before opening his eyes which now had a sharp look to them as he glanced around, "so when do you two leave for France?" 

"August 27." Herc responded flatly, "we'll be able to get Georges settled into senior year for a couple of weeks before we leave and then we'll see him again at Thanksgiving." 

"And he's okay with this all?" John asked skeptically.

"He is thrilled with this." Laf frowned, "he was so adamant about not coming with us. I just wanted to spend his senior year with him, I mean after that it's college and I'll never have him as a kid again." 

"I know how you feel." Alex agreed, "I don't know what we're going to do next year." 

"Come on," They rolled their eyes, "you have Frances. You've got two years till they're both gone." 

"Yeah, but I'll still miss Philip once he leaves. It'll be different with just Frances at home." 

"I can't believe they're almost in college." Hercules mused, "it's doesn't seem like that long ago since they were just babies, and it seems like just yesterday when you and Georges moved in." 

Laf smiled sadly in response, "what's going on with Frances now anyways?" 

Alex grinned, "did I tell you about her girlfriend?" 

"She has a girlfriend?" 

"Angie Schuyler, your boss' daughter." He deadpanned.

"You're kidding!" They exclaimed, Alex shook his head, "how long have they been together?" 

"We found out in mid-may, I think since about late April." 

"Your kids are getting _so_ old." They whined, "which means _we're_ getting old!" 

"Calm down sweetie." Herc smiled at them, "you don't look a day over thirty." 

They rolled their eyes at him, "I may still have my godly youth appearance, but I'm still aging you know." 

"Oh please," John laughed, "Laf, you're the second youngest in the group. Herc and I are the ones who have to worry." 

"I think Alex's lack of sleep has probably aged him more than me." They huffed in annoyance. 

"Hey!" He defended, "I sleep more than I used to." 

"Oh, thanks for the clarification. Correction, Alexander does sleep at least a little." 

"Laf, he is a whole year younger than you so..." John teased. 

"Yeah, and he's _two_ whole years younger than you." They bit back. 

"Sneaking him into bars in college was hard." Herc laughed, "he looked barely old enough to be a freshman when he was a senior." 

"I didn't look _that_ young." He whined. 

"And you didn't act much older." He retorted. 

"Oh please Herc, I was the most motivated and intelligent student on that campus." 

"Yes, on the important stuff babe. But when we went to parties or when we were hanging out together, you were such a child." Alex pouted only proving John's point, "don't pout sweetie, it doesn't help your case; it was cute though, endearing really." 

"I was the goddamn valedictorian. Remember?" 

"Yes Alex." Laf giggled, "I think our entire grade remembers your goddamn speech. How could anyone forget? They almost had to drag you offstage." 

"It was cute Laf!" John said. 

"For you? Yes, you were up there with your boyfriend and you thought it was absolutely brilliant." 

"Fiancé at that point." Alex corrected smugly. "He had proposed that morning." 

"Please tone down the cuteness. This is what I was referring to, Herc and I are never _this_ bad." 

Alex just grinned, "come on John, we should be getting back home. Philip and Frances will be expecting us." 

"Of course Alex." He stood up. "Thank you for having us tonight Laf, Herc." He smiled weakly in an attempt to make peace between them. Once Alex had turned around though, Laf shot a cold glare at him, not nearly a s icy as their glare had been earlier in the evening, and Herc pretended not to notice. 

They led them to the door and watched them go until they had driven down the street back towards their home.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Pops hasn't been perfect either dad." 
> 
> "He hasn't cheated."

Alexander woke up again later that night, screaming. 

The moment he started whimpering in his sleep, John tried to comfort him, but it didn't help. Alex just kept moving and groaning, and kicking John away. After maybe ten minutes of agitated dreaming, he woke up screaming. 

"Alex," John stated softly, trying not to scare the smaller man. "Alexander?" 

"John?" He whispered. 

"It's me. Yes, it's John." John affirmed, hoping it would calm him. 

"Where is he?" He yelled.

"Who Alex? Where is who?" 

"He was here wasn't he?" 

"who Alexander? Who?" 

"Get out." Alex whispered lowly, still in his half dreaming, half awake, and highly paranoid state. 

"Alex—" 

"You were with him." He murmured quietly, "get out. Leave." 

"Alexander—" 

"Out!" Alex screamed, "get out!" 

John quickly stood up to leave the room. He turned his face away as to not allow Alex to see him crying. As soon as he shut the bedroom door behind him, he fell to the ground, listening in case Alex changed his mind, and to make sure he was okay. 

"Dad?" Philip asked from his doorway. "What did you do?" 

"I didn't do anything Philip." John replied in all honestly, "I just—your father woke up having a nightmare, he kicked me out of the room. I don't know what caused it or what's going on in his head right now." John pulled his knees up to his chest, holding tightly onto his shins. 

"You should go to the guest room." Philip suggested, "if you really didn't do anything, you shouldn't have to sleep on the floor all night." 

John smiled, "thanks son, but I need to stay here. Alex doesn't want me in there, but I can't leave him alone like this. Now when he's panicked, so I'm waiting where I can still hear him." 

"One second." Philip murmured turning to his room. He emerged with a blanket and pillow, "here." When John shook his head, he pressed more firmly, "it'll be more comfortable, you need to get some sleep too dad, just use them." 

"Thank you Philip." John responded finally taking them and pulling the blanket around himself. He hadn't had time to get dressed and was left in just an undershirt and underwear. 

"No problem." 

"See you in the morning?" John asked when Philip made no move to go.

"I'll stay here." Philip decided plopping down next to John. 

"Philip, you need to sleep." John argued, "anyways, Alex doesn't want you getting involved with his panic attacks." 

"I'm not getting involved. I'm just spending time with my dad." 

"At three thirty two in the morning?" John glanced at the watch on his wrist. 

"Yep." 

"Why?" 

"Why what?" Philip stubbornly refused to acknowledge the slight accusatory tone John's voice carried. 

"Why do you all of a sudden want to spend time with me? You've avoided me the past month, you've only talked to me when necessary, and only talked about Alex." 

Philip took a deep breath, "I listened to what you said. You know about your father." 

"Oh." 

"Yeah," Philip agreed, "so anyway, it occurred to me that I probably haven't heard the whole story on that, and on a whole lot of things, and I want to change that." 

"You want to hear about my father?" John asked incredulously.

"Yes, and maybe in the future, more about you. You and pops have kept your pasts pretty hidden as far as Frances and I are concerned." 

"I can do that." John agreed, "but Alex's story is not mine to tell, and I'm not going to tell it. And you can't ask him about it, you have to let him tell you if he wants to." 

"Okay." Philip agreed hastily. "So, your family?" 

"As you know, I have three siblings. The oldest. I was born and then Mary, then Martha, then Henry. You've met both Henry and Mary, but Martha and I haven't been on good terms at all since I came out to the family." 

"What was you mom's name?" 

"Eleanor." He said loftily. "She was the perfect mother. She always knew how to keep the house in order, how to keep my father calm, and how to take care of us. She died when I was thirteen. My father didn't even let me grieve realy, said that I shouldn't cry because I was needed to be a man for my siblings. He also tried to take her from all of us, he took down photos of her, boxed photo albums, and tried to destroy our memories of her as it seemed. He had always had a distaste for me, but after that he turned on me. He hated to even look at me—" 

"Why?" Philip asked suddenly.

"Because I looked like her. I was a walking reminder of what he had lost. Martha looked quite like her also, but in a different way. Martha took after her in a way that brought back my mother's memory in a positive light. It seemed all my similarity brought was pain. So when I turned fifteen, my father sent me to a boarding school in England. After being there for a while, he pressured me to find a girlfriend. So I listened and did find a girlfriend, Martha Manning." 

"You remember her name?" 

"She was the first person I ever came out to. Well, actually it was more like she confronted me about being gay and I realized she was right. Growing up in South Carolina with a republican senator, I never considered that to be possible, I just always thought that when to time was right, I'd find someone who could make me smile. And Martha could, but platonically, there was no romance in that relationship. As it turned out, she was in need of help staying in the closet and so was I, so we kept up the ruse of our dating for a while after that. Then high school ended, and I came back home. We pretended to break up based on her staying in England and me going to the States, my father questioned why we weren't getting married immediately after high school. But after I told him that for now I needed to focus on studies and that we had agreed to continue dating after college. He was happy enough with that, and that also gave me an excuse to not date in college." 

"Then what happened?" 

"I went to college, and met Alex. I fell in love immediately. Well I thought I was in love, and then I got to know him, and I really did fall in love with him. But he was dating others, so I tried to do the same, until someone I was dating confronted me about my feelings for Alexander, they told me to act on them, so I tried, but Alex was dating someone else. Then the same thing happened in reverse and finally we told each other of our feelings." 

"Who told you to act on your feelings?" Philip questioned. 

"That's not really relevant." John trailed off. 

"No really, who?" 

"Lafayette." 

"Lafayette?" Philip gaped, "as in my boyfriend's parent?" 

"Yes, but it was a long time ago, and it was a very short dating. Only three weeks, nothing sexual." 

"That's a relief." Philip groaned, "so who told pops to act on the feelings?" 

"Amusingly," John smiled, "the same person." 

"What?! You both dated them? Please tell me nothing sexual occurred between pops and them!" 

John hushed him quietly, "shh, everyone else is still sleeping, anyways, I can't for sure tell you nothing happened, but if it did, it was short-lived." 

"Ewww." Philip shrieked. 

"Calm down Philip." John rolled his eyes affectionately, sometimes Philip was so dramatic.

After Philip made a face, he composed himself somewhat, "Ok, so what's next in the story?" 

"Well, after Alex and I had been dating a while, he wanted to be 'out 'about our relationship. We weren't exactly secretive, but in public, we both acted like just friends. I was in a situation where coming out was an awful idea. It was junior year in college and my tuition had been completely payed for by none other than my father. Everything I had was paid for by him. I had all my opportunities from him. Finally Alex convinced me to come out to him." John took a deep breath. "I still regret it." 

"But you can be out now," Philip said as if it wasn't already clear. 

"Yes, but I would've ended up out no matter what eventually and telling my father then was a horrible decision." John concluded, "my father cut me off, he said he would pay the rest of my tuition if I never went to the house or visited my siblings. I agreed, and had to go say goodbye to my baby brother and sister who didn't understand why I was leaving. They thought—they thought it was because I didn't love them anymore." he wiped his tears onto the blanket Philip had brought him. "We almost broke up after that too. He just kept telling me how much better it was that I was out and that it would get better and that my father sucked and that I was better off without him. He didn't seem to understand how much I had lost. I lost my siblings for him, I gave up my entire childhood so that he could have an 'out' relationship with his 'out' boyfriend." 

"He did that?" 

"He didn't exactly know what he was doing." John corrected himself, "he was young, only nineteen, and he didn't understand my family situation, his was so drastically different that he saw being fatherless as better than with a bad father. He didn't know how much it hurt." 

"What happened with your siblings?" 

"Martha got married young, right out of high school to a man who became a South Carolinian politician." John moved his hair away from his face, "she has never supported my 'lifestyle.' Mary became a social worker and you've met her and her husband, though not in recent years, they moved a long ways away and we haven't planned any get-togethers with her. Henry is doing alright, he has struggled with depression. The household was more stable when Mary and I were growing up than it was when Henry was growing up. He barely ever knew mom, and after I left, Henry didn't know why, and went through a lot." 

"So why now?" Philip questioned, "why are you now trying to make peace with your father?" 

"He's trying, and I know he doesn't have that long left, and I want to forgive him. He was a horrible father, but that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve another try." 

"Just like you." 

John sucked in a sharp breath, Philip had just told him he was like his father, after hearing the story. 

"I don't mean you're just like him." Philip continued to correct when he saw John's expression, "I didn't mean it like that; I meant that you deserve a second chance." 

"Really?" John asked a bit too hopefully.

"You just told me so much, and I understand better now. I don't understand why you did what you did, but I don't have such a dislike for you anymore." 

"Thank you." 

"Why didn't you ever tell that story before?" 

"I decided not to." John responded in all honesty, "I figured that if you blamed me for your grandfather being absent, well I can make up for it and that won't be the only thing you know of me. But if you heard that story as a child and never knew my father, you'd think only negatively of him, and that wasn't what I wanted. I was raised on southern family values, I wanted both parts of my family to be able to get along, even if one refused to get along with the other." 

"You really cared about him didn't you? After all the hurt he caused you?" 

"Like I said, he is my family. I don't want to loose him, he's one of the only family members I have left. Even if he did some bad things. He's trying now. That's all that matters." 

"I'm sorry that I was so ready to give up on you." Philip murmured. 

"It's okay. I did the same thing when I found out about my father's affair." 

"What happened?" 

"I was nine, and my mom forgave him much too easily. I probably felt a lot like you have this past week. I hated him for what he did. He already treated my mother horribly, and I absolutely hated him. She forgave him and I knew he just turned around and went back to sleeping with the other woman. I tried to convince my mother to leave him. She deserved so much better, just like Alex—" 

"You aren't your father." Philip stated softly, "you aren't nearly as bad as your father. You made a mistake—albeit a big mistake—but nevertheless still just a mistake. You didn't ever hit him, you've been a good husband aside from that, and a great father." 

"He still deserved better." 

"He hasn't been perfect either, dad." 

"He hasn't cheated. He's always been the better half in our relationship. I just wish I could give him what he wants, but half the time, I can't, because half the time he doesn't even want to see me." 

"He still loves you, he's just struggling with that. He wishes he didn't have to still love you." 

"God, I was just so _stupid_!" he exclaimed before remembering the time and quieting down. "I let someone come between Alex and I and I can't even say that it wasn't my fault. It _was_ my fault. It was completely my fault. I hurt him. And I just wish I didn't do that. I don't even remember what I was thinking, I just wasn't thinking. And Alex was right. When he was kissing a woman, I overreacted. I gave him a panic attack for gods sake! But when I cheat, he's still the one who ends up getting hurt. He still is the one who gets the panic attacks. He had been doing so well. He hadn't had a panic attack in almost a year, and I ruined that. I should be hurting, not him. I should've been kicked out completely, I shouldn't get to be staying here with him, I shouldn't get to still father you and Frances." 

"But he did choose you, and now you have to respect that." Philip argued, "even if you don't know why, you can't back out of any of that now. He's counting on you." 

"I know. I'm trying, I just don't know how to completely. And he doesn't either. We both are just trying. I want to do it right, I don't want to mess it up again." 

"I think you can do it." 

"You do?" 

"I think that if you put all the words you've been saying into action, there shouldn't be a problem. He never stopped loving you, he just is struggling to trust you again." 

"I'm not asking for his trust. Well, not initially, sure it'd be nice eventually for him to trust me, but for now, just the second chance is more than enough." 

"Just don't stop trying. Pops thinks you'll get bored again and move on to someone else." 

"That's not why I did it. It wasn't because he wasn't enough." 

"He doesn't know that." 

"I'm sorry." John suddenly said. 

"About?" 

"Cheating, for making this so hard on you, for the responsibilities you've picked up. It's almost four a.m. And you're sitting outside my room with me to keep me company." 

"Do you think you can go back in there now?" 

"No. Alex told me to leave, I can't just go back in there. I need to respect his wishes, no matter what state of mind he was in when he said them. But it's safe to go to the guest room because he's back asleep by now." 

"Okay, well, goodnight." 

They both stood up and headed towards their respective bedrooms. John sighed and feel asleep almost immediately after his head hit the pillow. 

 

Alex woke up the next morning alone and confused. The bed wasn't even warm on John's side, meaning he hadn't been there all morning, and when he glanced at the clock it was only seven thirty. John had left, _again_. He left the bedroom after a few minutes and found John in the hallway. "John? Where were you?" 

"Alex, maybe we can talk about this privately." 

Alex frowned deeply as pieces of the previous night came back to him. He remembered John leaving, and remembered accusing John of being with /him/. He looked back up to John who had a scared expression on his face, "You went back to him, didn't you?" Alex cried out, the tears he had barely previously contained spilling. 

"No, Alex, last night—" 

"I just got too boring didn't I? You had just been bound to the house for too damn long was it?" 

"Alex, that's not what happened—" 

"I thought you were done with that." 

"Alex, I am. Can we please just talk?" 

"No. I gave you your second chance, and you took it and ran with it." Alex sobbed out. 

He turned and ran back to their room slamming the door on John. "Alex? Alex? Please let me in. Please, can we just talk?"


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "don't get it in your head," they continued, "that I'm not mad, I'm still seething at you and I think Alex was wrong to take you back"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been like actually ten years so sorry and I know probably no one is going to read this but I wrote this chapter and plan to finish this story soon.

John signed against the wall disbelievingly, shut out again. And that's when it hit him, this wasn't going to work. Alex couldn't trust him, alex saw him and only saw the affair. 

"Dad?" Frances' voice startled john out of his thoughts. 

"Hey kid." John replied glancing towards her. 

"Dad? What's going on?" 

John shook his head slightly; there was no way he was breaking Alex's trust again by telling Frances about her dad's panic attacks. "Frances, you know this isn't going to be easy right?" 

"Dad, I know." She sighed.

"Frances, I don't want you to get hurt any more than you are. And I don't know what your father is going to say or do through all of this but I need you to be real. This might not work out." 

"Dad?" Her voice cracked. 

"Frances. He kicked me out this morning." He looked down at his feet. "I don't know if he'll let me back." 

She stared at him. "You're just gonna give up?" Her eyes glaring into his, "god, I can't believe this." 

"Frances, I know you don't understand, but I can't push him." 

"You can't just stand there dad!" She practically yelled. "He had a panic attack and you're willing to leave him for that?" 

His eyes began to fill up with silent tears, "Frances," 

"No dad. Do something." With that she turned on heel and left angrily, stomping downstairs. "I'm going out with Angie." He heard the car door shut and her driving away. 

Looking back towards the bedroom door he took a deep breath and knocked, "alex?" 

The door opened and alex stood there looking scared. 

"Alex, I wasn't with him last night. I swear. I was here, right outside the door." 

Alex shifted uncomfortably, "I know." He murmured without looking up. 

"You knew?" John's voice came out louder than he intended and alex winced back into the room. 

"I'm sorry." Alex whispered. 

"Alex?" John took a step into the room.

Alex kept cowering back, refusing to make eye contact. 

"Alex, it's okay, you didn't do anything, you had a panic attack, that's not your fault." John nervously chose his words as he saw Alex's chest movements continue to speed up. "Alex, it's okay. You're okay. Can you tell me something about you. Where are we?" 

Alex had backed completely into the wall, closing his eyes and shaking his head. 

"Alex?" And that's when he took off. He pushed past john and down the hall. Down the steps and into his car. John followed a few steps behind knowing full well alex was in no condition to drive. He grabbed his phone and was already dialing Laf's number. 

"Hello john." They drawled. "To what do I owe this pleasure?" 

"Look laf, I know I'm the last person you want to hear from." 

"Definitely up there yes." 

"But Laf I need your help, please." He begged. "Please." 

"Why? Why should I help you? After what you've done?" They sneered at him. This was their first conversation alone with him since they found out john cheated and they weren't anywhere near done with him.

"Laf. Please." 

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't hang up on you right now." They demanded.

"Alex is gone." 

Silence. They gasped. 

"He's gone Laf." 

"I heard you." They quickly murmured. "How long? What happened? I'm coming over." 

"Wait! He might come to your apartment." 

"Herc is here. I'm coming over, I expect to hear everything. See you in ten." They hung up. 

Philip was still asleep and john decided to leave him be. Lafayette arrived exactly ten minutes later and john greeted them at the door. 

"What happened?" They demanded. 

John led them into the house and spoke quietly but harshly and fast. "He had a panic attack last night and kicked me out of the room. This morning he was still panicked and apologizing and I was trying to calm him down when he ran. He shouldn't be driving in this state Laf. I'm so scared." 

"It's gonna be okay. You're gonna drive down to his office and any other places he's likely to be john. You're gonna find him. I'll stay here, in case he comes home and I'll watch the kids. Okay?" They held him in a soft hug, "okay john?" Then suddenly john was sobbing again, "john, it's okay." 

John pulled away, "no. It's not okay, this is my fault and I don't even know why you're helping me because I know you hate me and you'd rather see me dead than back with alex—" 

"Shut up john." Laf snapped, "pull yourself together, alex needs you and I know that, so I'm gonna help alex and if that means helping you then so be it. Got it?" 

John sniffled but nodded. 

"And you know full well that I don't hate you john. I hate what you did. I don't hate you. Alexander is just such a soft and easy going man that I had to. I had to hold his grudge because I knew he wasn't going to. And I was right." John looked back up at them hopefully, "don't get it in your head," they continued, "that I'm not mad, I'm still seething at you and I think Alex was wrong to take you back but I have to respect his decision. So now you have to go find him. Go." 

John nodded wiping his eyes, "thanks Laf." He had to find alex whether alex wanted him back or not.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel very free to comment, the comments are what keep me writing. Any feedback is welcome. Thank you for reading! And if you have any prompts, I would gladly fill them, for any plot lines you want to see from the years between I Was Younger Than You Are Now and this fic, I would be happy to. Thank you!


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